It is said that autistic females have problems with both romantic relationships and friendships. Some claim that friendships are easier for us because ‘guys only want one thing’. Well, believe me, guys want quite a few things from women. John for example expects me to feed and water him when he comes over, apart from that he seems to be enjoying stimulating conversion over emails when we are apart.

What seems to be easier about friendship is that you can continue to appear to be friends with people even if it doesn’t go well. You just limit the time you spend with them but on papers it still looks like you’re friends. I’m done with that though. Never ever again – ‘paper friendships’ don’t really work for me; at the end I always feel bad about how I’m being treated and I feel discouraged from looking for another friend that will treat me better.

A few days before I went psychotic I joined Facebook group for women in my area. I suppose not being British puts me in a bit of a disadvantage here – I guess the British almost always find it easier to connect with another British, especially as there are so many foreigners in this country – that probably feels a bit suffocating fot the natives but it never gets discussed openly.

A few days ago I post to the group that I’m looking to meet other females who are interested in developing friendship. I didn’t say too much about myself, and possibly that was a bit of a problem? I never know how to handle similar situations, you know?

I only got a few responses and with most of them the conversation just wasn’t adding up. But then a Polish lady commented, starting with a joke. It immediately grabbed my attention but then she said, she isn’t someone who openly talks about herself. Even putting that comment was a lot for her.

Pink flag – I thought immediately. I used to know those kind of women; constantly sucking information about me to compare themselves to me and decide that They Have It Better. They never reveal anything about themselves and that makes it impossible for me to learn anything from their life experience.

But I thought, let me see; maybe I’m getting her wrong. After all it was just one comment that I didn’t like. So I asked if I can send her a private message and she agreed.

I only said hello in my message and she was like, maybe I have questions to her and need to ask them so that I didn’t need to ‘think too much’. And I thought, think about what? It’s not like I’m hoping to marry her, am I? And anyway, didn’t she just said she doesn’t like talking about herself?

She explained to me that it’s a ‘standard Friday’ for her so she’s ‘extremely busy’, however, she will ‘make an effort to respond as soon as possible’. Like, if she assumed I’m not going to cope without her?

At the end of her message she asked how long I’ve been living in Swindon.

So I told her not too worry too much about me. I’ve been in Swindon since the end of 2013 and I somehow coped even though I didn’t know her, so she should relax a little bit. I added obligatory smily face.

I never got no response to that. It does suggest to me that my assessment of her intentions was correct. But then, what do you think? And anyway, why people do those things for? Like if they compete about absolutely everything.