Those who dwell, know

To be filled in.

My mind doesn’t want to stop producing thoughts, but it’s only 23.05. Hopefully I’ll get my head around things finally and get some sleep before going back to work tomorrow.

An open letter to Mr Henderson: in case you keep reading my blog, I’m demanding you to stop immediately. You got what you wanted, didn’t you? So move on.

Ok, I’m just twisting the concepts here: it’s me who got what I wanted, which was the right to tell my story without being disturbed by The Dogs. I needed this to prove what kind of things happen to an autistic person sometimes. Because if you tell people, they never believe and you’ll get diagnosed with schizophrenia instead. And there’s never enough evidence. So I needed to collect it but I also needed to block them from offering me settlement. I managed absolutely brilliantly, but I made myself so sick in the process that I then needed time to recover. It was a bloody long process.

But I finally made it: they could not keep me quiet because I had a right to tell my story and I had evidence but they couldn’t accept some of the details I was including that were never formally confirmed.

Obviously they are aware, due to the seriousness of that single evidence they provided me that something bad must have been happening but the manager who signed the fabricated documents has left so they are unable to investigate.

I don’t know how non autistic people are able to move on, you know? I dwell on things a lot but by dwelling on them I get a better understanding. If I didn’t dwell I’d have no idea what’s happening around me, you know? Who is a good person and who’s just taking an advantage of me. But at the same time the dwelling process is what is making me feel unwell at the end. I really need some emergency meds and I do not mean contraception, just to make it clear.

But I don’t have any as I thought I won’t need them anymore, that I learned to cope. But then, being in that new job I started wondering how come the residents are so happy there and I got so obsessed with working that out that it seems to put my mind in overdrive again and I’m at risk of another episode.

So it’s not just stressful events that can cause psychosis but happy events too; anything that doesn’t fit into the pattern that I know.

How am I supposed to live with this, you know? What if John will finally dump me because he won’t be able to cope anymore?

Anyway, what was that that I wanted to say? That possibly Home Group wanted to make sure that in the process of telling my story I won’t make them look too bad, you know? So if I put on the blog that it was actually THAT ONE PERSON that was causing me issues; at least initially, before other people got dragged in through some magical force, and I’m aware that people were making an effort to apply company values when approaching me and I really appreciated some other colleagues, they will feel like they covered themselves. And in case I ever post again how I realised something horrible about them they will say: yes, we are aware this is how her thinking process works. She’s just testing ideas to check which one fits. We used to that, we work with people with personality disorders, they behave in a very similar manner. It’s challenging but we’re always professional, you know?

Anyway they think my blog is great and what I really want is an opportunity; and they can’t give me that because they provide housing. But they believe that I’ll get my opportunity finally and with time will naturally move on.

And you know what; I am happy for them to say that. I learned that everyone has their own version of the same story where many facts don’t match. And I do hope that my effort will make accepting that concept easier for other autistic people. But I also realise this is not going to happen today. Or tomorrow.

There’s just one thing that doesn’t make sense to me: the manager who must have signed the fabricated documents was going to retire anyway, so why did she put herself through all that unnecessary effort and risk? They must have waited for my employment support plan that has been emailed to me as Word document, so could have been changed, but I just naively forwarded it to my manager, Jo.

That could have been at the end of May at the earliest and the manager left in September. So why did you do that for? Would it not be easier to just keep plodding on for those couple of months?

Was that because you were a member of that same church that That Person’s friend? She knew a lot of people. But anyway, didn’t you say you’re going to move to US to your daughter after retiring? So all of that wouldn’t affect you, would it? So what was going on there, I’m asking you.

You see – this is exactly why I dwell. But maybe it is time to finally move on?

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