I do understand that I didn’t discuss patient confidentiality yet in my posts. As you may be aware I believe that I’m on speech and language therapy delivered by the community for like a year and 4 months now and very recently that thing started seriously getting on my nerves, but my mental health provider doesn’t want to admit they’re doing it. How was that possible to implement in the first place, you may ask. Well, when I was in the hospital after my second psychotic episode, I was given a strange form to fill in: who do you not want to be involved in your treatment? I didn’t write anybody so technically my mental health provider could contact anyone about me. Although I still don’t understand how this could be used this way? To show me that that’s how things are being done in real life? Behind people back??? But then, what I’m supposed to do with that? I can’t predict how every single form I sign may be used in the future, and if someone wants to be dodgy, they will fabricate whatever they want. Even that they paid for my autism diagnosis (Home Group, I’m looking at you!).

In March last year I asked my employer for a language and speech therapy delivered specifically by my diagnostician. It was never confirmed to me if I’m going to get it or not but suddenly people around me started saying strange things so I worked out that that’s what it is going to be like and I accepted it. Most of the time I found it entertaining. It’s only recently that things started getting on my nerves.

So today in the morning I came up with the idea that I need to revert to the state I was before I met my diagnostician (I made some improvements in my communication just by thinking how she communicated with me, although it all took a few years). Before that I used to be quite abrupt quite often, even when I wasn’t intending it. I don’t know how to explain it, you know? There was something that I found stressful about communication and even when I was intending to talk calmly to someone, whenever I felt like I’m not being listened to or there were any other issues at all, I’d quickly turn into being abrupt.

It’s possible that it was due to the fact that when I’m stressed I find it difficult to find words and being abrupt was just easier.

So to show that the therapy is not working I decided to talk to The Friend and be abrupt with her. And you know what? I couldn’t. And I was upset about the whole situation, but speaking in an abrupt way didn’t work any more. It was like if I completely forgot how to do that! I presume my communication could be clasified as passive aggressive instead. The Friend is coming to stay with me for a bit, so I used that to create issues. That’s the translation:

Me: John said he can take us to Shaftesbury (The Friend always wanted to go back there, this is where she was staying for several months while being live in carer, and that’s where we met on handover. It’s not very far from me but public transport is not great). But I don’t know if I want to go. I’ll think about it.

For that The Friend responded with ‘Ok’ and I was a bit surprised. I thought she’d be upset and I could then use this reaction against her. Is that not what people do to create arguments? It took me several minutes to decide what to say to that so that I could continue my vendetta without it being obvious that it’s all my fault.

Or maybe I’ll go? – I said finally. – I’ll see. But you know, I’m not sure how things are going to work out between us during those two weeks. I’m different than you and I’m not going to adjust. You need to understand.

Nice – The Friend responded. – First you invite me, and now… but I think we should be ok, like the last time. I can go to places on my own, if you don’t want to. I never forced you to do anything. Maybe you should think if you really want me to come, because after what you said I feel hurt.

Oh, are you? I’m sorry, that was not my intention – I said even though I wasn’t going to stop.

Ok, that’s fine – The Friend responded. – And how are you apart from that? It’s really hot in Poland, 30C. And in the UK?

12 today. And if you think it’s enough to say ‘that’s fine’ and then change the subject, I really don’t mind.

I understand it’s not enough for you. In that case can you please tell me directly what is wrong instead of going round in circles about it?

I’m not sure what you’re talking about? I already said, didn’t I? And if it’s not clear, you can always guess. That’s what you (neurotypicals) do, don’t you? All the time. What do you have for lunch today?

Soup. This conversation is really strange. How are you feeling? Did something happen?

I’m trying to be abrupt with you but I’m unable to do that – I admitted.

And why are you trying to be abrupt with me?

Because I want to turn back time.

At least I was honest here!

Do you think that’s fair on me? – The Friend asked. – Would you like to be treated this way? This way you reject… guess what.

I think she meant her friendship.

I’m not good at guessing. It’s you who constantly guess other people intentions. Fair, not fair, does that matter? Nobody cares about what I think.

Find somebody else to report your frustrations to. Good luck – The Friend finished our conversation.

What are you talking about? I talk with you normally, don’t I? I’m just not very precise – I continued regardless.

Which is btw how passive aggressive communication looks like. But as I said earlier, I wasn’t intending to be passive aggressive, I wanted to be abrupt.

I’m sorry, I won’t do that again. I’ll try something else instead! – I added after like 15 minutes.

Take me off this therapy, will you? If you don’t, I’ll continue talking like that to all of you! – And that was after like half an hour.

The Friend didn’t respond. Reflecting on that I can see she was supportive but directive. And she’s not normally like that at all, I must say. She usually feels easily hurt and doesn’t want to talk if someone is not very nice to her. So possibly the above conversation was still part of my therapy? To show me how to deal with passive-agressive behaviour?

But then, I’m fed up with that! Why my mental health provider doesn’t want to tell me they’re doing it? So that I get upset at them and they can then defuse it? Would it not be better to go through some hypothetical scenarios? Cheaper and quicker.

And anyway, there’s not a lot of people who can effectively deal with passive-agressive behaviour, even if they’re not autistic. So possibly this therapy went a little bit too far. That could mean I don’t need it any more, do I? I communicate as a non-autistic person who’s not a great communicator. Take me off this thing then, will you? The entire world needs a therapy now as much as I do.