So finally I decided that I have no other choice but to accept this version of events.
I also realised something, in case you asked: why I didn’t mention to John earlier I noticed a change in his communication, if it’s been going on since beginning of February? I think the main reason is that I have great difficulties with going from specific events to generalisation and commenting on specific events seemed like something that you’d say to a child so I’d rather not say anything. I did mention on the blog a few times, I think, that I noticed some positive changes, but for me that was more like expressing positive feelings, while it felt to me that if I say anything to John it will be seen as feedback, and feedback needs to be specific, therefore I felt like I’d better not say anything at all until I’m sure what’s going on.
I wonder BTW how a neurotypical person would deal with this situation.
So yesterday I felt like I have no choice but to accept the fact that he’s hiding the truth from me and pretend that I believe him. So I apologised for sending him silly emails the day before and said that he must have, in fact, changed subconsciously but I do appreciate it a lot.
That’s what I meant: – I said in one of my emails – you changed subconsciously. You actually said that possibly that’s what happened.
I think subconscious change for the better is always a good sign. It means you’re feeling happy, safe and content. That’s why you changed.
I may not be perfect but I will try to nurture conditions for more of those positive changes for you 🙂
Because of his changes for the better I was going to play the game ‘you changed, now I change’, but I guess it’s obvious from the above that I replaced it with ‘you changed, now you change even more’. Was it worth it John?
Just to make it clear for you, it’s not like I have problems with John. He understands that my blog is important and never mentioned a word that I should change or delete anything I post about him. I mean, he doesn’t read my blog regularly, but he’s coping really nicely with being on it.
But I know that autistic men can be stubborn about little things. Why? I don’t quite know but even if I did, it wouldn’t change anything.
A few years ago I came across a blog by a neurotypical woman who was in a relationship with an autistic man. She was making loads of effort trying to understand him and getting herself upset about it. Whenever she came up with any new theory, she would share it with him, in hope that he’ll understand himself and change. I’m not quite sure how that relationship survived. For me that treatment was reminiscent of emotional abuse, while for her it was ‘working on the relationship’.
The problem that I see here is that people often misinterpret reasons for our behaviour and that feels upsetting. However, if they get the reason right, it’s like 100 times worse! It makes me feel defenceless. And, you know, I often don’t understand the reason for my own behaviour. Maybe if my experience was different, I could see the reflection of myself in other people much more often, I’d feel differently, but for now every obvious effort that another person does to understand me feels like manipulation and emotional abuse. So I thought I’d spare that experience to John and instead I’d accept him, with all his imperfections.
I may occasionally be picking on him though. He has to be quite careful when he talks about his job and we talked about that yesterday. So I commented on the fact that it must be difficult to be him, when he has to hide things. He brought the conversation back to his work and I then said: But I meant in more general terms. You do hide a lot, don’t you?
He coped with it very well. But I got my little revenge. I may do that more often then.