To better communicate with John. Well, I suppose that sounds confusing for you…
One good thing about realising I’m autistic is understanding that I don’t ‘get attracted to men who have issues’, their issues have no impact on whether I choose them or not. Moreover, I’m not aware of them at all when we just meet. I get attracted to autistic men because we’re so similar and issues are just part of the package. So I need to learn how to deal with them.
Yesterday I was very worried about how the situation with John is going to evolve, so worried that it was making me exhausted and unwell. I mean, the constant thinking and trying to predict unpredictable. I did try to tell him that and even mentioned that I was worried I’d may end up in psychiatric hospital, and it had no effect on him. He was unwilling to admit the truth. I was asking myself how he would feel if I’d get another episode? Would he still be visiting me in the hospital and acting caring towards me? It all didn’t make any sense.
And then he said he didn’t change his body language. And I thought, seriously? I get that I can misinterpret reasons for certain behaviours but I see the behaviours correctly! Not to mention that I then started worrying how he will behave when I next see him. He’d most certainly want to abandon some of the positive changes he made, but possibly not all of them. And then all I will see will be a constant act where I won’t recognise the real person any more.
However, it was getting obvious that talking to him about it wasn’t going to take me anywhere. As I was wondering what to do, I must have tapped the icon in the right top corner of my Gmail and I read ‘set up another account’. And I thought, maybe that’s an idea? Let me try.
So I set up another account, a very silly sounding one and I decided to send him controlling messages from this one, while using my main account to send over the top loving and submissive emails. I wasn’t bombarding him, I was sending them one by one, always waiting for the reply before firing up another one.
So for example the email from my main account would say:
Every day I look for ways how I can put your needs first. All I ever wanted is to make you happy. Nothing else matters to me. I promise.
While email from my new account would be:
I want to take control of your brain, your thinking process. Every day of the year. That’s what I’m after.
So that you never had any strange ideas about controlling me.
That’s not what relationships are about, understand?
But if you do not get what I mean, I’ll show you. Get ready for the next stage of that process.
John was making an effort to get on with this treatment, replying to both messages although it did seem to take him slightly longer than normal. He never asked why I was behaving this way though, and that for me was another hint that he’s hiding something. Finally, while the messages in the controlling threat somehow turned into me explaining to him that I have to control him because I don’t know him, he said ‘You know me better than anyone’ while leaving the submissive message unanswered.
That felt to me like indirect way of admitting that what I think about his recent change in behaviour is true but it was also a hint that our relationship matters to him.
I didn’t know what to say to that though, he didn’t seem to be ready to openly discuss that and I didn’t want to ruin the improvement I achieved so I didn’t reply.
I don’t know what today will bring. We’re supposed to go to a food festival this weekend and John was meant to buy tickets, although I don’t know if he already got them or not. And you know, it’s not like I want to cancel our date, I’m far from that. I just don’t know how to deal with this issue, that’s all that is bothering me.
I also wonder why those issues happen in autistic men to begin with. We, autistics, see life through patterns in our past, so possibly if autistic boys get support they need from the early age, those situations wouldn’t be happening? Maybe they’re response to rejections? Or possibly the fact that keeping the social persona is so difficult for them that they need to protect it at all cost?
Anyway, I really love John. He is the sweetest man on the entire planet. He doesn’t mind being on my blog at all. And we just got engaged, didn’t we? The kindest, most loving man out there. If you see him around tell him that I’m thinking of him. He’s 6ft tall and has black, wavy hair.