I told you that I started having the idea that I’m on speech and language therapy delivered by the community over a year ago. Probably March last year. It didn’t bother me at all, if anything I considered it fun. The people who were saying all those things that I later reported on my blog were outside of my social circle, and as long as I was concerned they could say whatever they wanted or were instructed by anyone. But getting John involved was too much, you know? Maybe not at the beginning, when we were technically on a break, but I can’t continue this relationship when I have no idea what is going on.

Till maybe an hour ago I thought I have things under control. I thought that sending John strange emails yesterday would let me cope with the situation long term, in case he’d still refuse to tell me the truth. But now I doubt that is going to be the case at all. I feel weak, depleted of energy and probably also hope.

I love John. I know he is a good guy, deep in his heart. So why he’s doing those things to me and rejects to understand how his actions affect me?

I keep thinking, possibly over the years he was being ridiculed for how he dealt with complex social situations and as a result as long as he sees a potential for that happening again, he refuses to deal with it on any more mature level. It makes sense, doesn’t it? And yet, what I’m supposed to do with that? Sacrifice my sanity so that he doesn’t have to face difficult feelings?

It’s not fair, is it? And yet I have loads of compassion for him. And only, I don’t know what to do with that compassion at all. Years of experience taught me that if you have too much compassion for people, they forget to be compassionate with you and your needs never get met.

At the same time it looks like sending him strange messages yesterday could be seen as similar treatment to what he was possibly receiving in the past for being unable to properly cope with social situations.

But then what I’m supposed to in this situation? Breaking up appears like the only way out. But I don’t want to do that, and anyway we just got engaged. And I’m not like that, you know? I worked hard on that relationship. I want us to be happy. I just have no idea how.

I also wonder why my mental health provider tells me that all I experience are delusions? Is this some kind of experiment to get me to believe my own judgement? I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. And anyway, I usually half-trust my own judgement. I just don’t do anything about it.