I’m delusional but I got engaged

1. I came up with another reason why my blog statistics went down a couple of weeks ago apart from the fact that it’s summer so people spend lest time online and I actually post less. Basically, my readers probably came up with an idea that what I post about is made up. And it really isn’t, it may be misinterpreted, but I’m not making it up.

2. I finally told John yesterday that I feel really delusional because I believe he got in touch with my diagnostician when we were on a break, and she’s now working on his communication skills. I mean I hinted to him a few days ago that I ‘have a theory’ why his communication improved but he defused that with a simple sentence so I left it, but a few days passed and I decided I can’t take it no more, I have to adress it. John said for that that he doesn’t believe I’m delusional, I just believe in something that is not true what sometimes happens to everyone. He really wasn’t too bothered at all. At the end he said ‘And I presume your diagnostician doesn’t have my contact details either’. And I thought, what a strange thing to say, isn’t it? It felt like he was hinting me that yes, they are in touch. And obviously that hint was created by my diagnostician; this is how she speaks. Constantly.

3. Is this always going to be like that? You can’t say, but you can hint? I’ll better learn hinting then to survive in this world. But how? How do I learn this?

4. Me and John continued the conversation about our relationship and our communication difficulties and finally we decided to get engaged. I must say here, it was my idea; he wasn’t too bothered. I presume for him it doesn’t really matter whether we are engaged or not, the relationship looks exactly the same, we are not getting married as that would require for us to sort out housing first, so one can say it doesn’t matter. But for me it does. Engagement feels like a symbol that the relationship is good and is going in the right direction. If he refused to get engaged I’d feel like I don’t deserve it because I’m not a good girlfriend. That would ruin my enjoyment of the relationship and, as a result, the relationship itself.

And please do not tell me that I shouldn’t be thinking this way. This is how I think, this is me. No amount of couple therapy is going to change it.

So yes, it was nice of John to agree to get engaged. I don’t have a ring, but I’m not bothered. I wouldn’t probably wear it anyway. Not bothered about the ring at all, I just want the title.

5. I also told John that my understanding of relationships is that the beginning of them has to be full of joy, almost perfect. We didn’t really have much of that; we started dating in January and in March or maybe even end of February I got depressed because of the things that were happening in Home Group. So it wasn’t John’s fault that I couldn’t focus on dating him. Moreover, I do not blame myself as well. What I was supposed to do? I was made to believe by the diagnostic centre that the problems at work would end when I bring autism diagnosis, and I was prioritised for my appointment.

It would be silly of me to leave the job at that point to focus on a relationship that only just started.

I still can’t cope with the idea this is what neurotypicals did to me and they put the label ‘support’ on it. If my diagnosis appointment wasn’t brought forward, I’d leave the job in Home Group in November, two months after I started it, because that’s when I realised the manager and the other lady wanted to get rid of me.

I don’t know how come I made myself believe that waving a piece of paper in front of their eyes is going to change how they treat me? And the diagnosis centre helped me to come up with this misconception and it was all done for my own good, wasn’t it? Alternatively to protect their funding.

So basically the funding was much more important than keeping me well, safe and alive.

Although I’m not quite sure what was going on as the place got shut down not so long afterwards. I mean, I’m not saying it was shut because of what happened to me, it got shut for various reasons, but if they knew they’re going to be shut, why they were bothered about funding?

Or possibly, it wasn’t about funding at all? Maybe that person who decided to bring my appointment forward really thought they were helping me? She was probably influenced by Simon, who is as good at understanding autism as a bag of new potatoes.

6. John suggested that possibly we could come up with ways to make up for being unable to have perfect relationship at the time. It was nice of him to say that, just the fact that he acknowledged that I have this, somehow impractical need, made me feel better about myself. Hopefully things will work out well for us.

7. The above, engagement and the perfect beginning of a relationship are archetypes that I must have created as I was growing up (I don’t presume I was born with them) and I now use them to understand whether the relationship is good or bad. And the thing is, those archetypes are so strong for me that even the fact that I am aware they can be damaging doesn’t make it any easier to get rid of them. Moreover, I don’t think I actually want to get rid of them at all. I want to feed them at all cost; I’m very stubborn here.

8. Possibly the above is caused by the fact that my childhood wasn’t a very happy one? Maybe I am trying to use my adult relationships to make up for it? It’s probably not a very healthy way of dealing with life, but I don’t know any different. And anyway, how would I know if a relationship is good or bad, if I’m autistic and not very good at judging people? Archetypes are helping me navigate what is happening in my love life, even if they get in the way sometimes.

9. Anyway, I feel somehow depressed. Not severely, but all that thinking has it’s impact on me. I’d much prefer if life was easier and if things that I expect actually happen, instead of things that I don’t expect. But I came to realisation recently that life is much more complicated than that. I’m not quite sure how neurotypicals are handling this at all.

10. I keep reading that WordPress changed its price plan. I’m not liking it as I may need to pay more for features that I’d never use only to keep my blog looking the same way it does now. It feels to me though like a prompt to work out if I want to keep blogging or not. Blogging gives me a creative outlet I never had but it can be emotionally difficult sometimes; it was only last week that I wanted to delete my blog. I didn’t work out how to do that, which is probably a good thing, as I’d feel bad loosing some of the posts (I especially like this one where I wrote about how I was learning to drive LLOP), but then I also feel like I’m putting all this effort and no one cares.

I’m also afraid that people may misinterpret what I say and target me, that possibly I may even get death threats when I get discovered. It is all very difficult.

To sum up: I don’t want to delete my blog, but I worry I won’t be able to cope with it emotionally long term.

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