Thinking makes me fed up

Ok, so I posted a few times on the blog that I believe I receive speech and language therapy through the community and even my boyfriend got involved in it. I don’t have any hard evidence for it and if I say something to my psychiatric nurse, she says it’s a delusion, yet she treats me like if I was perfectly well.

I’m fed up with that and really hope that when I get discharged from my mental health team, it will all eventually stop. Maybe it is a delusion, after all? Although how come I had so much to post about?

I noticed loads of unusual patterns in speech of people that I interacted with since I started blogging. I thought it was all set up. But maybe it wasn’t? Maybe just the fact that I blog about how I see human interactions made me more aware of that stuff and I made up the rest, about my diagnostician, because the idea that someone is making so much effort to get me to improve my communication skills made me feel safe, even though I was slightly apprehensive at times. If people make an effort in my world it means that they care, and that by itself makes me feel good, even if I see that they get things wrong sometimes.

But then, why my psychiatric nurse doesn’t want to adress that with me? Maybe I am delusional, after all, but that is caused by me not being able to come up with another explanation that would also make sense. In that case the nurse should make an effort to ask what exactly made me think that I receive this ‘behind my back’ treatment and look for alternative explanation with me.

Because, you know, alternative explanation is possible, it’s just that I don’t get to see it for now on.

I’m fed up with this situation and if no one tells me soon what is happening around me, I’ll have no other choice but to show them that whatever they do is not working for me. How? By saying all the inappropriate things that come to my mind but that I so far tried to edit out.

I really feel like I need to break out of this system, no matter what.

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