I made a post or two a while ago about attachment styles, but will not be linking them as I’m unable to find them, sorry. I presume they may be under dating tag, but I’m not sure. That’s my executive functioning issues for you.
So basically, as I was thinking yesterday about what is wrong with autism research (making autistic people miserable to get more money for further research) I realised the same thing may be happening in standard psychological research. Researchers want to make people appear unwell as that makes the Researchers look more important.
If the solution is simple, then the issue won’t get a lot of attention, will it? And that’s not what people who are serious about their career want for themselves.
I’m thinking now about attachment theory. Just look at it and you will see that at the bottom of it there’s an assumption that we know how to communicate to get what we want, it’s only that we don’t want what is good for us.
So then everyone is focused on changing how we see our needs, but no one on how we communicate them or, how we assess if people we get involved with are able to meet our needs.
If we don’t communicate in a way that let us get our needs met, we don’t get the results that we’re after and that makes us either withdraw (avoidant attachment style) or get overly preoccupied with that person (anxious attachment style) or a bit of both (disorganised attachment style).
Recently, when I realised that John improved his own communication skills, I stopped worrying about a lot of things and also I feel like I want to change for the better for him too. All that happened even though I didn’t do any work on my trauma, or anything else at all. So my attachment style didn’t get any chance to change, and yet, I feel completely different.
I wonder what future will bring here. It seems to me like communication is taboo in our culture. It is not acceptable to teach people how to get what they want through communication, it’s seen as a form of manipulation. And yet, there are people who are extremely good at it, like narcissists, and this way we make them even more likely to win they’re pathetic games.
Is this ever going to change? Possibly improving our communication skills is the way forward, instead of addressing trauma?
I wonder what Simon Baron-Cohen thinks of that. Although, I presume, we wouldn’t agree on anything.