Targeting autism researchers on twitter was a lot of mental effort. I mean, I only targeted two of them. Neither of them reacted.

It was really upsetting, you know, having the idea that whatever I say and do, they don’t care. They have their own agenda that is much more important than autistic people wellbeing. And that is it; there’s nothing else I can do here.

The fact that everyone can read a comment on twitter made me more focused on how I communicate, so I was using references to emails I sent them earlier, so that it was only them who knew what I really meant but it would look acceptable for everyone else. I believe this is a communication technique used by bullies sometimes. Does that mean that I became a bully? Possibly, but you know what? I do not care; they deserve it.

To illustrate what I meant exactly, I’ll give you this example: I sent them a couple of emails a few days ago where I explained that what they do is, they basically expect autistic people to kill themselves so that they could progress their career.

And I believe this is true. Once again I’m telling you, the improvement is possible, it really is. But they reject the methods that are working and instead focus on how bad things are regarding autistic people mental health and coping skills. What happens then, autistic people think they must be really bad, if nothing is working and they get worse as a result. Then Simon Baron-Cohen and the likes say: look how bad it is, we need to do more research. Give us money. How much do you have? We really need a lot!

And they get the money for more research because the situation looks hopeless.

Mind you, if I wasn’t aware of my diagnostician’s communication methods, I’d believe that’s how it is.

My diagnostician made me realise that I am actually quite easy to communicate with and that things are not that bad, really. I believe she is now working with my boyfriend on improving his communicate skills and she also used to work with my friends. I believe it was her who told one of my friends, who’s extremely sociable and chatty, to tell me the percentage of her battery charge once in a while when we’re chatting online so that I could get a break from all the social stuff that I found overwhelming and could focus for a bit on what makes sense to me. It also feels to me then like that friend is more like me, because she’s focused on numbers the same like I do.

And it’s such a simple method, isn’t it? It doesn’t need any money to be applied. Yet, it can’t become more popular. We, autistics, have to feel unwell, so that we could be researched. And yet, when I’m really unwell and tell Simon what happened to me in Home Group and how I couldn’t cope, he doesn’t care. I presume I became too much of a challenge for him.

So in my emails to Simon Baron-Cohen and Sarah Cassidy I explained that they want us to kill ourselves so that they could progress their careers. I then said that I’m after equal opportunities and that means they now have to kill themselves so that I could have a career.

So that was in the emails, and on twitter I only used the expression ‘equal opportunities’ a couple of times when it made sense with whatever they were twittering about.

So this way my comments looked acceptable for everyone else but they still knew what I meant.

I feel shattered now and really discouraged. Is that the world that we live in? The world created by full of empathy neurotypical people? The world where my own opinion of what is and what isn’t working for me does not matter?

Why am I doing all this, you may ask. I presume the fact that I’ve seen my dad deteriorating made me feel like I want to be a warrior. I really want things to change. But what can I do with my little blog? I tried to contact BBC a while ago, just before I set up the blog, and they don’t seem to be that bothered. The same charities that work with autistic people. But then, as I said, if people didn’t experience what is actually working the way I do, then they just won’t understand.

It really doesn’t seem I can do much about that, do I? I’m just a little girl. 5’11, but autistic so my understanding of the games people play is severely limited.

And for Baron-Cohen I’m just a nuisance, I suppose. No one cares that my mental health was much better before my diagnosis. They need more money for their useless research, that’s all that matters.