A list of what I would like

The Friend is coming over on the 20th of July to stay with me for two weeks. I am mildly excited, although also a tiny bit apprehensive; I’m convinced Oriana will be giving her phrases to say to me to make me either realise something or provide me with an autistic entertainment. It doesn’t bother me that much, but I’d like to know in advance what is going to be said, so that I could think up my reaction beforehand, and I know this is not going to happen. I’m not annoyed, don’t get me wrong, apprehensive is much better word.

I came up with another explanation of why this form of therapy ‘behind my back’ has been chosen for me: because we, autistics, understand the world through patterns from our own experience. Being severely bullied in Home Group and then, after leaving, finding out that things were even worse than I thought, would severely affect my thinking in the future – I’d expect something bad is going to happen to me every time when things are not out in the open. So Oriana Morrison-Clarke came up with this idea to deliver the therapy this way so that I’d change my perception. Yes, sometimes things may be hidden from me but this is because people are trying to help. But does that mean that at the end I’d get something that I’d really like? Something that would be really smashing?

Yesterday the friend emailed me asking what I’d like her to bring me and she suggested that I should make a list. I’m thinking like, you know, some biscuits would be nice. And she again said ‘think what you would like and make a list’. And I said ‘It won’t fit into your suitcase’ and she didn’t reply. And I think now, that looks like a hint for me to think of what I would like out of this situation; but then, if I put it on the list, does that mean that it will happen?

But then, impossible things happen sometimes, don’t they? Would I ever come up with the idea that Oriana would be working with John on his communication skills? Well, and on mine too but through him, so he is in charge. He must have approached Oriana when we were on a break and she must have agreed to help as she’s doing her PhD, or at least that’s what I think. And it would actually make sense, wouldn’t it? I mentioned Oriana to John a few times and made a blog post about her when I broke up with John in January so it wouldn’t be impossible for him to find her. Never mind.

Let me move on to that list. And it will be a visionary one. Again, please remember, I’m recording my thoughts on the blog; I am aware that neurotypical people don’t talk openly about their visions for the future, this is seen as very bad for some reason. But I don’t understand why? If you don’t tell people you’d like to achieve something how would they know that they can possibly help you, either by providing guidance or resources? How would they even know that you want to achieve something at all? Maybe they think you love being a coach potato, that this is what works well for you?

So I’m making my list here, and then we will see whether things will happen or not.

1. First of all I’d like to get a book deal. Or possibly even two? I wrote at least two books on my blog, I think. Some of what I wrote was triggered by tasks Oriana was giving to me through the community so that needs to be included of course. And anyway, I already expressed my interest in publishing a book with Oriana: a year ago I contacted Jessica Kingsley Publishing about this idea to alert them that Oriana has some special skills that are not known anywhere else in the world. I did it on the whim, I think that was a year ago, just after I got fired. I didn’t think the book is going to come out of that really, or at least not straight away (this is not how things work in this world, do they?). It was more about testing the water and seeing what is going to happen as a result.

But then, I’m thinking now, I expressed my interest in language and speech therapy organised by Oriana and it happened. I didn’t do anything else, at times I even wanted to get out of it, and it was still happening regardless. So should I not get a book deal now, after I initially expressed my interest and then made all of this effort on the blog? Is that not how the world works? I don’t know. Let me think.

2. Me and Mr Scope become friends for life and he always supports me when I have an idea of a new endeavour. And I’m not talking here about legal advice, just some hints about how people may react to what I do. Although, is that a good idea? At times I want to do things even though I’m perfectly aware that people will see it in a negative light. I want to twist social context, the same way that I see neurotypicals twist procedures and if someone tells me not to do that, I get upset and want to do that even more.

And anyway, should we not be twisting social context? I believe it’s part of our coping skills and it keeps people in check; it reminds them to behave themselves with us.

So maybe I’ll replace this wish with another, more general one: Me and Mr Scope become friends for life. Just like that.

3. Meanwhile me and John get engaged and eventually married. We live happily ever after.

4. My art is all over the place. People all over the world download it from Pinterest, print it and hang on walls in their homes and offices because a) they think it’s different and they like it b) they use it as a symbol to let everyone know that they support autistic community.

5. Autism research is focused on providing us with coping skills. We, autistics, transfer behaviour learned in one setting into another, therefore board and card games can be used as therapy (because we then learn to look for solutions in situations that are not exactly what we would like), the same digital art (when I do mine and I see element that I don’t like, I look for ways to eliminate it and focus on what I do like), so behaviour that we learn in those settings can be transferred to real life and we then cope better.

Of course we all deserve speech and language therapy. Or therapist?

6. The money that were presumably stolen from my mum’s account will go into my brother’s addiction therapy, but a good one, possibly private. I’m not sure how that would work though. He has a lot of work to do and he doesn’t see the world how it really is, even when he is sobber. However, how I remember him as a teenager, he wasn’t like that at all. I don’t know what happened to him to be honest. Possibly there were things in his life that didn’t work for him and he chose this behaviour as a way out. He still needs to take responsibility though. He needs to realise that at the end of the day it’s him that is making himself miserable, not anyoyone else.

7. Home Group. Well, that is going to be a difficult one. I always wanted to have a story out of this situation, and it looks like I have it. I knew it’s going to be difficult, companies can do so much to make sure this type of situations are never talked about in the open. And yet, I managed: I blocked them. They can either join me or shut up. And if they choose the second option, it will always be me who’d get to say what I want. And I sometimes misinterpret things; it’s part of my disability. But if they prefer me to misinterpret things that were happening there during my employment and make them look even worse that they already do, then I suppose that is their choice.

I do admit I’d like some kind of closure from them, something that they’d do to make up for what happened to me. But I do understand this may not happen at all and I’d have to live with it.

I wonder how they will cope if I get everything else that I put on my list? Maybe they will rebrand and change their name? So that people don’t laugh at them when they call someone and say ‘Hello, I am from Home Group’. That will be the only change that will happen as a result of the whole thing. They won’t learn anything, they will just change their name. But that’s what sometimes happens when neurotypicals are in charge, isn’t it? Heavy focus on how things look like and not on how they actually are is what brought you here, Mr Henderson.

So that is my list, I suppose. I can’t think about anything else. I mean, of course I’d like an opportunity for Oriana to develop support for autistics based on her own system, but there’s nothing I can do about it, it looks like. I’m autistic, not a researcher. My perception of what works for me and what doesn’t is not relevant in this game. What I say gets severely misinterpreted and the excuse is always that I really meant something different, I only worded it wrong because of my bad communication skills. Which is btw the same thing that was happening to me in Home Group. This is what narcissists do. They twist things. Constantly. Professor Baron-Cohen is a narcissist. You need to get rid of him or things will never change. He’ll continue doing the same things: making us look bad while putting himself in charge of multiple organisations. How come he even has time to do any research at all, is beyond my understanding. But who knows, maybe he doesn’t really research anything? He just makes it all up. That’s how narcissists work. I know that. I worked with one in Home Group.

If you let narcissists be in charge they’ll ruin everything while making themselves look great the entire time.

The narcissist will ruin Home Group when the things come out. She’s manipulate so badly that there will be no other choice for them but to get bankrupt. I don’t have to do anything about that. I’ll just keep blogging.

It looks to me like Oriana has been severely blocked by Simon Baron-Cohen and Sarah Cassidy. There’s absolutely nothing I can do about the whole thing.

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