I’m getting seriously paranoid

As you may know, I believe at times (well, most of the time) that I’m being monitored by my diagnostician for a little bit now.., it’s a long story but at first it wasn’t anything big and I didn’t pay much attention. Most of the time I actually thought it was only part of my psychotic delusions because when I wasn’t psychotic, I didn’t see anything unusual around me.

However, over a year ago I asked my employer whether they could organise me speech and language therapy organised by my diagnostician specifically and the manager said she’d ask HR. She never got back to me regarding that, however a few days later colleagues started saying strange things. One for example said that she cooked some chicken and when it was ready, she took it out of the freezer. The other one said that she witnessed a man on the street who broke his leg and when she called an ambulance for him, he got up and walked away.

The above only happened on two occasions I think, but that’s how I think: an unusual event that happened twice within a short period of time means something.

It was very confusing, however, but I came up with the idea that my diagnostician decided to deliver the therapy through the community, possibly thinking it will be more effective this way but she also needed element of surprise – because, yes, if I see some words written down, it is very easy for me to come up with what to say but when I’m in a real life situation, I can’t do it. So they decided that me asking for the therapy is enough of a consent for them to deliver it and no other confirmation is needed.

Later on I often had the idea that people around me behave like if they had script to follow, although normally it wouldn’t bother me. I also believe that is the reason why I had so much to post about.

However, since like February, so when we were on a break, I can see my boyfriend also changed his communication and although it makes me safe and happy, I am also confused a lot. I ask myself, what is going on.

I asked John about it, but he replied in a non direct way (not like him at all) and I don’t know what else to do.

I mean, I asked my psychiatric nurse again today and she said, again, she thinks that sounds like psychotic delusions. She said she’d need to see me to be sure, for what I said, I look perfectly normal. For that she said she knows and gave me a smiley face. I asked, jokingly, if she wants a selfie to confirm, for which she didn’t reply for a little bit and during this pause I realised something: they’re hinting me I’m not delusional; if I was delusional I’d think I’m being watched through CCTV or even my phone camera. No, I really don’t think that is happening at all!

But then, why they’re not telling me and why those methods of communication are not widely taught? It would be easy to apply after people learned and it would be then free. It would reduce stress we experience and help us to get our needs met.

I am really upset now. I don’t think I want to see my nurse again. I want to be discharged right now; if I’m delusional, they can come and get me, find me the same way they did in December 2019.

Seriously, I am really upset.

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