Trigger warning: contains upsetting language, mention of suicide and murder

1. I’m not psychotic yet. I went to the pharmacy yesterday around lunch time and collected my olanzapine. I took 5mg immediately and another 5mg in the evening. I had a long nap in the afternoon and good sleep during the night. I woke up almost perfectly fine, certainly not triggered, just a little bit… how to describe this? Dizzy? But the dizziness is based in my brain, like if my thoughts were constantly being mixed up; physically I’m fine.

2. I am thinking that I can now deal with too many thoughts so much better because I improved my ability to work with patterns while doing my digital art. I bet there was no research on that but it looks to me like that’s what happened. We, autistics, see social situations and communication through patterns so possibly both of those are being dealt with by the same part of the brain?

3. I kept targeting Mr Scope (the lawyer), Mr Henderson (CEO of Home Group), Simon Baron-Cohen and Sarah Cassidy over emails several time this morning. I would say I dished out a deal for them: Mr Scope gets himself a job in a charity and tells everyone how Home Group case made him open his eyes that he needs to be more focused on helping people, Mr Henderson has to kill me (which he probably wants to do anyway) and Sarah and Simon kill each other.

Let me assure you, I am not psychotic.

You can see clearly that Mr Scope got the best deal out of them all. How I see it is a) he is just a lawyer, he wasn’t responsible for the source of the problem 2) he made a mistake but his mistake helped me, didn’t it? I wanted a story and if he was a little bit smarter, I’d never get where I am now, I mean in a situation where I can talk about Home Group and face no negative consequences of that. Do I want anything bad to happen to him? Why would I? It was him who gave me what I wanted and I will forever be grateful to him.

4. A little bit after sending those emails I got a welfare check by the police. Thank god it was after I had a shower so at least I didn’t feel bad about myself. I was told ‘some solicitors’ contacted them to say they’re worried about me. The police woman said she didn’t remember the name of the company but she used plural version of the word and I am now confused whether she meant the entire Ward Hadaway or possibly Mr Henderson and Mr Scope and she just got it all mixed up as Mr Henderson is not a lawyer; but I know people use generalisations like that sometimes.

She also told me not to send those emails as I may get into trouble for that. I’d not send anything to Mr Scope again then, but what about Mr Henderson? I’m a bit confused about that. Should I ask for another welfare check, just to confirm where Mr Henderson is in this game of mine? Or maybe let’s move on to reality check instead?

But what is the reality? It feels to me more like a reality show instead where some parts get edited out, others artificially enlarged but a lot is happening all the time. And only the audience is not what we’d expect.

5. I spent significant time in time today, walking around. The weather is very nice, so at least that’s good. It was not a bad day in general.