I mentioned here that my mum was a victim of fraud, and had a large sum of money stolen by her favourite bank employee, but it’s been several months now that I think it was all arranged. There was no fraud, it was to trigger me to start playing a different game. I would occasionally take things from people in the past without their permission, and not because they had more, but because they took away from me. Things like attention; they blocked me in the conversation when I had something interesting to say, so I couldn’t get the ‘points’ I believed I deserved.

I don’t know how I can change that. People would still be doing that anyway. Maybe I’m not that interesting to be around but what I have to say seems interesting to me. Other people get attention, I don’t. What do I do with that?

The thing about the fraud is different though. My mum had money from selling a land and it was meant to be mine, or at least that’s what she was saying to me. My brother was meant to get a house as he lived there anyway.

But then I got this flat, so situation changed as both my brother and me had somewhere yo live but I still expected all the money. If my brother wasn’t drinking, I’d happily give him more than half but I know he’d spend it on alcohol for him and his mates.

And anyway, do I have my brother permission to blog about him behind his back? No, I don’t. But what can I do about that? I can’t talk to him, I can’t make him to stop drinking, I can’t go back there and take care of him… how do I play a different game? So at least I wanted the money.

But then, my mum didn’t want to give it to me because she thought I ‘live above my means because I have two winter coats’. I should only have one.

And it doesn’t matter that I could afford two and still put money aside, according to her I should just keep money in the bank, just for the sake of it.

So my mum didn’t want to give money to my brother because he was drinking and she didn’t want to give it to me either. And that’s what happened.

I guess now the thing woud need to go to court for the judge to decide what to do with what is left. I suppose this way, by organising the fraud, at least the burden of ‘protecting the money from my brother’ has been taken off my shoulder but I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do – it gave us loads of stress and heartache. But maybe if I took the money away from my brother and he’d then kill himself, I’d feel guilty because on the game level it would be my fault and I’d feel even worse?

And now, if he kills himself, it will be his choice, nothing to do with me.

Or maybe he’s already dead but no one told me because they know it would be too much for me to handle together with the war in Ukraine. But then, what do I do? Do I call him? But he talks nonsense, I can’t cope with this at all. How do I play this game though? I can’t come up with anything.

Or maybe my diagnostician took over my brother too and she made him recover? But then she’s autism specialist, and not addiction. It’s all too complicated for me but at least I got some sleep.