Mood and moody

It’s not 6.15pm. I was ok today till just a few minutes ago. I mean, ok both physically and mentally. Giving up on Facebook, blockdoku and reducing Instagram to like 5 minutes every third day was a good thing. My energy levels are so much better. However, I started wondering whether loosing a job last year really didn’t have any impact on me. I mean, I wasn’t aware of it so far but after what happened today I am not so sure.

My agency doesn’t seem to be prioritising Swindon business any more and I only did one shift this month. That is ok for now, actually – the digital detox took loads of my energy and it’s nice to see that I can organise my life again without being rushed into anything, but obviously this can’t continue long term so I’m looking for another job.

As I’ve been scrolling through adds I realised that my agency doesn’t advertise for Swindon any more, that’s what gave me the idea that they don’t focus on doing business here any more. Anyway, when I was in the radio today I got a text that they have some shifts available in my old workplace. I was a bit taken aback but didn’t have time to think so I just reminded the agency that I was dismissed from that place and said that I don’t mind going there as long as they’re OK with me coming. The agency decided they can’t send me there though.

A few hours later I got offered a shift in another home run by the same company and I was told the client is ok with me going there, so I said fine and then, almost immediately felt wave of anxiety hitting me, the same way I described here. It felt the same like what I experienced a few days ago because of Facebook notifications: I don’t actually feel anxious, instead it feels like being immediately depleted of energy.

It’s not that I’m worried about anything specific, I don’t expect anyone would be rude to me, and anyway I only know two people who used to work there. I doubt they know I got sacked, if they’re still there. Where is the anxiety coming from then? Possibly from the fact that I felt like I was treated unfairly, you know? Even though my conduct wasn’t quite right, the fact that I got suspended around 6 weeks after I told my manager I went off my mood stabiliser seems like a strange coincident. Especially as I know that other staff got away with similar misbehaviour.

Hopefully I’ll be OK tomorrow though. I have to go to the radio again, bring a cake that I managed to make today before the anxiety hit and entertain the visitors we’re going to have tomorrow.

I don’t know if I mentioned here already, a few weeks ago I ordered fancy looking earplugs for a fancy price. I want to write an honest, not biased review of them but so far I really do not know how to use them so that they didn’t hurt my ears and didn’t give me headaches yet still block the noise. I keep thinking it must be me doing something wrong because no one normal would come up with such a useless product and then try to sell it for a premium price. I’ll ponder over it for the next couple of days before I post about it.

I miss my mum. I keep having strange dreams where she didn’t die but instead hid herself in a cupboard or run away. I find it difficult to live with that thought that I’m never going to see her again.

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