My digital detox – day 8th

I’m also back to my patterns.

And probably day 4th without Facebook (I’m not really counting).

I’m not exhausted any more, I started cooking again three days ago and I quite enjoy it. During the last couple of months I only cooked when John was supposed to come over and I found that extremely irritating. But again, I thought that’s menopause approaching.

I’m not bursting with energy but I’m ok. I am not sure how much of an improvement I can expect. I never was a person full of physical energy, but I had loads of mental one.

I think I finally worked out how to approach the radio opportunity – instead of talking about everything that happened on a certain day, like I do on the blog, I need to focus on one subject only and make things a bit lighter, with one or two autism specific details only, so that people could easily follow what I’m saying, while possibly doing other things like cooking or driving.

I also noticed that I feel better emotionally, so I can manage my feelings much easier and therefore, if something is bothering me, I don’t immediately go to WordPress to discuss that. Although obviously that is better for me, I wonder what impact that will have on my blog.

Just several minutes ago I realised (again) that I feel sad without my mum, even though we didn’t spend much time together at all. I emailed John about it and he suggested to find a hobby. But I feel it’s not about hobby (and I actually have some, don’t I?), it’s about forming meaningful human connection. I’d like to be special for someone, I’d like someone to worry about me and look out for me. Mothers are special, they do all that even if they know their daughters are completely different people. Obviously that can make the daughter to not appreciate mum’s effort, but that’s a different story.

Regarding meaningful human connection, I don’t experience it very often. I normally feel other people are ‘too much’, and not in the sense that people normally use this statement, but I don’t know how else I could explain that. When I meet up with a neurotypical person, I usually have the idea that I’m not keeping up with something and I don’t know very well what that ‘something’ is. It’s quite strange and tiring. Since realising I’m autistic I try to cut down on time spend with neurotypicals to reduce this confusing feeling, but that obviously makes me feel lonely and at times even alienated. You can’t win, can you?

I’d like to meet a female who would be like me, I suppose. I once met somebody who I thought would be my good friend, BFF, as they say. It was around 12 years ago, I think, when I still lived in Reading. I think she also must have been autistic, because we connected really well, and I felt that I can be totally myself with her. I now think that must have meant ‘myself in terms of social communication’ because shortly after I met her, it tuned out that lady has so much problems that it was unbearable. I was trying to be understanding at first but after a few months I really started having enough.

One thing that I really can’t tolerate in people is being irresponsible with money. I always have on the back of my head that if we become close, I may be expected to rescue them from troubles, but with her I somehow forgot about it. Yet, that wasn’t the only problem.

We met at work and one day she told me she repeated to the manager something that I told her in secret. When I asked, angrily, why she did that for, she told me she wanted to see the manager’s reaction. Why she repeated things to me then? To see my reaction? I didn’t ask that question though.

She were calling me several times a day when she was upset (which was often) and swearing at me if I refused to talk to her.

She was doing all kind of strange things in her private life, like dating married men, and going against manager’s requests at work. I did help her a few times to sort out problems but she never appeared like if she appreciated it. She still wanted to be friends though.

And the strange thing was that even when I knew I had to end it (she changed a job, which helped), I still felt connected to her when we were speaking. I am now convinced that must have only been because we had similar communication profile, but it put me off trying to find another BFF regardless.

As you may know I have The Friend, who is helpful, fair and respectful and we keep in touch on a fairly regular basis, sometimes we even go away together for a few days. And yet, neither of us ever felt that we’re connecting on a really deep level.

But even if I wanted to meet another friend, I wouldn’t know how to go about that, you know? Those constant difficulties with people is what makes me feel like I’m better off not putting myself out there.

On a more positive note, I watched a very good film, Once More with Morgan Freeman. I really liked it, although I can’t say it had any deeper message. Or maybe I just didn’t get it? I’d still recommend it though.

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