Yesterday I was really concerned as I felt triggered again when nothing stressful even happened. Feeling triggered is the very first stage of psychosis for me and I already noticed recently I’m taking olanzapine more often than I used to. If I’d continue like that I’d need to start taking it every day again and this really isn’t an option. I still remember how groggy I was on it, the fact that I had to set up an alarm if I wanted to be up by 10am and the terrible pain in my knees – after 20 minutes of a slow walk I felt like crying.
Thank god, immediately after ordering my watch yesterday I started feeling like if I am gaining some control over it.
I have all my notifications off now, including WordPress (do I really need to know that I’m on ’31 day streak on autisticandme.com’? And BTW do you know how it makes me feel? Like if WordPress was saying: you made your readers to read your blog for 31 days in a row. Don’t you think it may be a bit overwhelming for them?) and comments on the blog will remain closed for the nearest future, possibly forever. And not that I was getting many of them. It was mostly Ashley Peterson from mentalhealthathome.com commenting, and it was nice to get some attention, I do admit that. But as I was getting the comment for every post, I shortly realised that I’m trying to predict what Ashley will say and I would get confused if it wasn’t what I expected.
I presume if I’d only get two comments a week I’d still feel like I’m getting attention but whatever Ashley would say would be fine as I’d explain to myself that something must have resonated with her in this particular post, that’s why she commented and I’d be ok with whatever she’d say because it is the exact piece of information that she wants to give me in exchange. But comments on every post caused me to overthink and trying to predict what is going to happen next and I’d be disappointed if I didn’t predict correctly, which I never did.
I presume Ashley, being neurotypical, wanted to express her general support for my blogging efforts, but that didn’t work for me.
I hope you don’t mind me saying that Ashley – you know I’m focusing here on describing my thought process and how I understand communication 🙂
But of course it wasn’t just the comments on the blog – I spent loads of time on social media lately trying to give advice to people, and although mostly I didn’t have any negative experiences (except of that strange group that rejects any behaviour management techniques and wants their kids to be as autistic as possible but then the same people gang up on me and call me rude for simply stating facts in a direct way – I’ll make a separate post about that). I also started following several autistic advocates on Instagram recently and, as Instagram doesn’t usually notify my of their posts, I keep checking myself and then get disappointed if it’s not interesting enough.
I think it was just general state of being ‘on’ all the time, I really do not know how neurotypicals do that because I can’t.
In general I’m disappointed with the Internet. When I just started using it, just over 20 years ago it was about providing people with easy access to information. Now it all changed into ‘building following’ and even autistics are getting on board instead of blogging on WordPress like I do.
I really am not fitting in at all!
But at least I slept not too badly. I mean 5.5h is not a great sleep but I managed it without Olanzapine, so I am not too bad.
Looking forward for my watch to arrive so that I can limit the use of mobile even more. It’s really difficult not to check Facebook when I only looked at the screen to know the time!