Yes, I still have my brother, but as you may remember, his alcoholism is very advanced.
I was thinking recently that I didn’t post about any strong emotions for a bit, and indeed, I didn’t have any. I was even thinking that possibly I have been cured of having them. I was posting either about how I understand communication or about Mr Henderson and Mr Scope (btw those two are still ignoring me), and now, here you are: I feel incredibly sad. Possibly devastated. I have no family, no one at all.
I mean, I have John, and our communication seems to really improved lately. Although he still doesn’t want me to reveal details about him on my blog (and I’m ok with that) he seems very supportive in general and he’s not against me posting about Home Group.
But we don’t live together and even if we did, it somehow feels like not enough. It feels like I want informal support system around me, some people who will worry about me even when I am fine and who will be telling me what to do with my life even when I don’t agree with it. That’s how I see family, and yet I want to be part of one.
So yes, I thought that I became emotionally stable, but I was wrong.
I keep thinking how I went home for Easter once and it was snowing really badly and people were laughing and saying it must be Christmas so we need to prepare Christmas trees. A few days before Easter me and mum went to a less known spa and I was really surprised that, even though the facilities were excellent, there was nothing to do in the area otherwise and we were so bored that we ended up going to church every afternoon. It’s so sad that I’ll never go anywhere with mum again.
I will also not go anywhere with my daughter because I don’t have one. I’m all by myself childless, familyless autistic blogger. No one needs me. No one cares that I may be difficult at times but I’m sweet and supportive on other occasions, no one is interested in me. That’s how it feels.
I don’t even know if I’m hoping for this feeling to pass, because if it does, it will mean it’s not important, but I wouldn’t be able to manage with life if I feel like that all the time.
I asked John if he is my family and he didn’t confirm but he said I don’t have to live with someone to be family. Well, I guess that means he also didn’t deny. So we may be family or at least have a potential to become one. It’s not so bad then, I suppose, and at least I’m not all by myself. I’m still sad though.