As Ashley Peterson, a fellow blogger, pointed out in her comment yesterday, the film with Juliette Binoche is called Chocolat, and not how I thought Chocolate. And who knows, possibly the ‘e’ at the end was the reason why my request to join eating disorder support Facebook group has been declined. It’s hard to say, obviously, 100% as maybe even if I spelt it correctly it would still be declined?

Anyway, I wasn’t sure if the group was for me to begin with, but the only way to find out is to check. I was a member of a similar group once and I got very triggered by the fact that it was impossible to discuss anything openly there as everything was considered to be triggering. The only think that was allowed as comments were words of support, but no questions, so even if I tried that, I wouldn’t really know what it was that I was supporting. I also often thought that if what people really need are generic words of encouragement, why don’t they think about some phrases that would make them better, write every single one of them on a scrap paper, put the paper into a bowl or a hat and then, when they need to, draw something out at random and read it. It would be much more quicker and wouldn’t drain anyone emotionally.

So yes, possibly this group wasn’t for me either? Which is a bit of a shame really – it looks like the fact that I like getting to the bottom of things is going to stand in the way of me getting support with my food issues.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time when I told myself no to eating an apple as a solution to feeling the discomfort of overeating the day before. I mean, I am aware that apples are low calories and don’t want to tell anyone that they shouldn’t eat apples as a quick snack. Apple would certainly be better than another slice of cake, but what happened to me was that I somehow understood at that moment that what I really wanted was not an apple – what I wanted was to stop feeling overstuffed, and there is no quick solution for that.

If I eat, even an apple or some vegetables, I will keep myself in a mode where I am using food as a solution to problems caused by food.

So I didn’t eat that apple. It was difficult. My stomach hurt and I had metalic taste in my mouth. That feeling lasted for good couple of hours, until I finally fell asleep. At some point I got so annoyed that I had a few suicidal thoughts – that really was quite shocking, I was just a bit overstuffed, why would I have suicidal thoughts because of that? But I continued choosing not to eat that apple.

I also thought at some point that facing the feeling of being overstuffed was a good natural consequence for eating too much. Possibly I will be less likely to do it again after that.

A little success now: there is 3/4 of packet of bourbon creams biscuits on my coffee table and for two days now and I didn’t have any. I’ll eat some when I really want them, but I don’t need to hide them in order not to feel tempted.

So possibly I’m going in the right direction? Even despite of the ‘e’.

I went to the radio today, even though I still feel a bit off. I didn’t prepare anything to record as my voice is still a bit funny but I thought I’d at least talk to people there about my difficulties with getting recordings done. I can talk to myself perfectly fine when I’m at home but the moment I am expected to talk to the recorder when there is no one around it feels very difficult.

Shirley, the manager, advised me to imagine that I talk to a friend, but that immediately made me think that if I was talking to a friend, I’d expect her to respond. Is this not how neurotypicals think? It seems talking to a friend is a social thing, and yet I understand it better than them. On some level at least.

I am actually starting coming to the conclusion that I can’t talk to the recorder only because it’s not something that I normally do. It seems like I need to create a new persona to be able to manage that: persona of somebody who regularly talks this way, for some other people to listen and it’s ok even though I don’t know who those people are.

I presume creating a recording about it could actually help, because I now feel that trying my best to create any other recording would mean that I’m hiding who I really am.