People often say, after someone who’s close to them passed away, that they do something because they know that person would like that. And I wonder now, how do they know that?
I have no idea what my mum woud like. Even though she used to ask quite regularly if I’m going to marry John, in a tone that would suggest she’s worried, it is impossible for me to imagine that this is something that she would like. I wonder if that is caused directly by my autism and lack of theory of mind, or maybe rather by the fact that I take that statement too directly, that I want it to mean something while other people use it to do activities that they enjoy and to stay connected to the person who passed away, even if in their own head only?
I don’t know whether mum would like the fact I blog. I showed her the blog once but she was already a bit demented at the time. She seemed to be ok about it but she didn’t really ask what I write about. She also never asked how much her private care home was – I mean I am adding this detail here to ake it clearer that she was somehow detached from reality.
I remember, a few years ago she told me not to say to anybody that I have Asperger’s. ‘You can tell that to a doctor’ she explained. ‘But that’s about it’. So possibly she wouldn’t be happy if she finds out this is what I blog about. But maybe it’s ok to tell myself that she would? That, where she is now, she understood that what I do is important? Yes, I think this is exactly what I’m going to tell myself. I somehow have no problem with twisting facts this way – possibly because it’s not impossible for her thinking to change when she’s in heaven. To be precise, that’s what one would expect – people always change for better when they’re in heaven, don’t they?
I wonder if my dad also changed? Did he recover from his mental illness and permanent autistic shutdown? He never tried to communicate with me, you know? I thought that if he feels better, he woud try to tell me somehow. But he also didn’t try to tell me that he is still unwell.
Woud my dad be happy that I blog? I have absolutely no idea: I know he was into ships ad planes, but he never shared any views regarding ordinary life. I mean, yes, he wanted me to marry my ex around two years after we broke up, but apart from that he never said what job I shoud be doing, where I shoud leive, how to spend my money- he also never asked me what I woud like from life. It was like if he was a person without personality.
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