I guess this is not what bloggers normally post about? In the blogging world everything is always so perfect, statistics are high and there’s no need to have any doubts. But as I decided to use the blog to record my thought process I guess I need to include the worry about the future of my blog too? The Friend told me I write a lot and people ‘won’t be reading it’. But I guess if someone really wants to work out how an autistic mind works, possibly someone who has an autistic child or a partner, they may be interested in it? If no one is, then I guess I’m writing for myself only?
There’s so many autistic bloggers out there but most of them are only focused on aspects of autism that are already discussed in multiple places anyway, like sensory issues. I am not aware of anyone else who would post almost every day, sometimes more than once and focus on explaining how they come up with certain idea or how other people actions made them realise something. I really believe there are number of people out there who would benefit from reading my blog but I am struggling to reach them. There are some online magazines that accept post submissions but all of them state it must be something that hasn’t been published anywhere else. And I think, wait a minute, if I write a post and I think it’s good, it needs to go on my blog first. And anyway, those magazines also state they have loads of people sending submissions so competition is high.
Does that mean I have to wait to be found? I feel so impatient, you know?
I wonder how I can manage that. Or maybe I can’t? Maybe I shouldn’t even try?
After thinking for several hours I managed to prepare 3 minutes long bit for the radio to record on Monday. So I guess my situation is not bad, having an access to a radio that wants to broadcast what I have to say, and yet, I feel like I want more, I want everything quicker, I want it now.
I guess the problem with lack of social imagination is that I somehow assume that if I didn’t achieve something so far, I never will. And it’s easy to then stop what I’m doing, you know? It just somehow makes more sense than continuing it, even though I was offered to create recordings for the radio.
I’d doesn’t make any sense, does it? And somehow that’s what my mind is telling me: it’s not working, give up!
What is preventing me from giving up on those days is not what I can achieve if I continue, but what I achieved so far. Loads of posts, loads of thoughts. Quite a lot of them about communication.
And my description how I attributed mental state to Boris Johnson! (In the previous post). If I stop posting, it will be like all of that never happened, you know? It will become forgotten.
Still, I can’t imagine that my work will ever get recognised. I want it like mad (not psychotic though) but it doesn’t make any sense to me. It feels like it should have happened already, even though I blog for less than a year.
So the fact that I’m autistic doesn’t autmatically make me a very logical person. What I described above is not logical and, even though I am fully aware of it, I can’t think in any other way.