It’s 17.33. I’ve been thinking how come I was able to give a speech to 150 people while I was working in Home Group and the person who was bulling me was part of the audience, and I was depressed at the time, but I can’t talk to portable recorder? I started wondering whether that’s due to the fact that, as an autistic, I am not good at pretend play?
Talking to portable recorder while imagining that I talk to people is a form of pretend play. But then, if that’s the real issue, I’d get better at it when I get used to the fact that this is how radio works.
I’ve been thinking as well about various issues from childhood when I disappointed my mum by being who I am. It feels to me that, if Shirley didn’t work with autistic people before, she’d be disappointed with me too: here is a blogger with almost 600 posts and some unusual ideas, someone who can think outside of the box but who can’t say a couple of words out loud, even though they’re already written down.
It would be so easy to get rejected, wouldn’t it? If I’m so good with certain things but can’t do others at all that means I must lack of any natural ability to do them and nothing can be done about that.
I’m autistic so I go mute when I’m supposed to speak up. This is what people would think, wouldn’t they?