I really wonder what that is. I keep getting tired a lot for quite a while now. I wish to know if that can be due to peri menopause? Or maybe I’m just tired of constant change? There’s been so much of it since pretty much when I got discharged from the hospital in January 2020. It was meant to be beginning of better half of my life as I thought, I finally got the medication I need (lithium) and some support from charities and mental health services. It’s funny that there were services for people with bipolar but not those with autism but I decided to go along with it.

Instead what happened was, we had pandemic and lockdown. Then my mum had to move in with me but it turned out she didn’t really want to be here and I was trying to keep her anyway as she wasn’t safe in her own home… then all those other things happened, that I already blogged about, and now we have a war. Maybe that’s why I’m tired. I wish I could have normal life, I think. I’m running low on milk and will need to go shopping. So at least I’ll get out of the house.

I wonder how I’m going to cope the next couple of months. Obviously, you could say that people have it worse than me and I’m painfully aware of that. But that awarness doesn’t bring me my energy back.

I was however thinking today (it’s astonishing that I can still think even though I’m mentally tired) about that podcast where I was a guest a few months ago and I didn’t do very well. What bothers me the most is that I was laughing hysterically when talking about some difficult experiences. And I think that possibly happened because I don’t allow myself to be who I really am. I think I can be quite a controversial person at times but I force myself to try to be more likable. I’m not quite sure that is visible on the blog – I believe I write about the range of my emotions here, but when I feel like posting about something that can be controversial, I do it. While on the podcast I just focused on becoming likable, but the problem is, when one tries to hide who they are, people are not going to like it anyway.

I guess I was in the past rejected because of being controversial, but possibly it’s time to fully embrace this part of my personality. Of course I’m now worried that the radio station that offered me to prepare a short program for them may not like me any more, but then, what I am supposed to do with that? I just have to keep posting. I have to become more who I am, not less.

But what if people will hate me? Nothing, I’ll just keep posting.