My diet has been (almost) ruined

Ok, I don’t want to be too dramatic here, in this age of body positivity, but when I feel this constant pain in the stomach, it doesn’t feel positive at all to me. So far, with all my extensive experience in dieting I didn’t find the answer to that problem: I’m ok with eating small portions of nothing for as long as something doesn’t make me overeat. From the moment I overeat I feel constantly hungry! It seems like it should be the other way round, huh?

Also the trick with eating big breakfast doesn’t work for me – the bigger my breakfast, the more I want to eat on every subsequent meal. And the next day, as a result of overeating on the previous day.

If you read my blog regularly you know that I was dieting, and doing very well till Thursday (it’s Sunday today). But because I was mentally triggered by the war news for a couple of days, I took olanzapine on Thursday evening. It always makes me want to eat. So I allowed myself to eat more on Friday, and since yesterday I feel this really unpleasant sensation in my stomach. It’s like having a stone under a ribcage, on my left. And it doesn’t want to go away. I know that it will go away temporarily if I eat a lot, but it’s not hunger because I’ve been eating for 3 days now. But it will go away if I eat more because my stomach will be so streched and uncomfortable that I won’t be able to feel anything else. Does that make any sense? It probably doesn’t because I tried to talk about it with a couple of dietitians and no one was able to explain to me why I feel this way, why the more I eat, the more ‘hangry’ I get.

I’m really trying today to just have normal meals, nothing excessive, and I hope that feeling will go away by tomorrow and I will be able to go back to my dieting again.

Possibly next time when I need to take olanzapine, it may be easier to just ignore the hunger that I experience the next day.

Do any of you have the same experience: not hungry while eating little and ravenous after overeating? I wonder if that has something to do with me being autistic? I won’t be taking part in research though, if this requires me to eat too much, as it’s really difficult to go back to where I want to be.

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