That’s what I was thinking today about my trip to Poland. That I wanted to tell mum that I won’t be coming due to the difficult situation there and I wanted to hear her say that that’s ok and she’ll cope.

Those thoughts came to me a few times and every time it took me a few good seconds to realise I’d never speak with her again.

I still feel somehow triggered, even though I sleep reasonably well (only took olanzapine yesterday). I am really not sure I’d be able to go back to work in 12 days.

I’m trying to find the right refugee to host but it’s not an easy task. I guess they are all in shock and making a decision where to move is too much for them, but most of all there is no one really to talk to. I only managed to speak with one person so far.

The olanzapine seems to make me eat after one tablet only, when I’m on a diet. When I wasn’t dieting I was fine till about 4 tablets. That is not ideal of course but being slim and psychotic is not an option.

The weather is finally nice. Let’s hope it’ll stay like this.

I’m thinking making pancakes for dinner/supper. With two eggs and strawberry jam from Lidl. Do you know that Lidl jams are very good? I mean the eggs will be in batter, I hope that makes sense.

I’m glad that my mum funeral happened in February (my brother at last did something that turned out to have sensible consequences) as if I’d insist on having it in March but wouldn’t be able to come, it would look very bad on me. He’d blame me and call me disorganised and I’d be distressed that if I insisted on the date I’d should continue to be in charge.

It’s probably obvious for you that I can’t focus on anything right now.