It’s difficult to focus on blogging when I know what is happening in Ukraine. It seems like the problems that are describe here are so insignificant, that I should shut up. Even though I know that is not true.
This blog was meant to record my feelings and thoughts, but I don’t even know what I think any more. I think I’m tired, fed up and I want things to be different. So I guess that means I also feel powerless. How come one man can create so much damage and no one is stopping him? No one from his own people, I mean. I guess they are all scared, but how it came to that in the first place? Why was he allowed to become a leader? Did no one see how f***ed up he is? Or, possibly, people could see but no one wanted to say that out loud.
That’s how narcissists operate BTW. I saw that in Home Group. But still, allowing death of thousands of people and severe damage to the area seems like something much more serious. And yet, it’s happening.
Yesterday I thought I saw Devi, the person who bullied me in Home Group in one of the shops in Swindon. I wasn’t quite sure if it was her. Obviously, after those couple of years I don’t remember her facial features too well, but that person was the same height, had a similar haircut, quite a similar face, just a few years older, which would be expected of course, but her general vibe seemed to be different, like if she lost her fitness and her confidence. The Lady was the person who used to give me all those troubles in Home Group, so I didn’t quite know how to behave. Not that I wanted to talk to her, although I was really curious if it’s her or not. I’m also not sure if she recognised me. I had a hood and a face mask on, so possibly she didn’t. If it was her, I mean.
I was thinking that maybe I need to be monitored. She wouldn’t give me peace, would she? Also, every time when I wouldn’t understand something in other people’s behaviour, I’d tell myself that she must have been talking to them behind my back. Now I just tell myself it’s the monitoring and, as annoying as it can get at times, it’s much easier to cope with.
What I also realised at some point is that narcissists have a wonderful ability to play a conflict in such way so that they use it to advance their careers, even if it’s them who caused the conflict. I bet The Lady spoke with head office quite a few times about me, possibly even with Home Group CEO, to explain them my behaviour. She’d say she worked with me so she noticed some patterns. She would take this opportunity to present herself as a self sufficient, confident, responsible and professional. No one would even expect that all those qualities could be demonstrated by pretending. I really doubt neurotypicals have much awareness of that. Why would they, if they build their understanding of what’s happening around them on things that are so unreliable like body language.
And this way Putin war reminded me of the most traumatic events of my life: the Home Group drama. If you just started reading my blog, accept my explanation that there were fabricated documents in my file regarding my autism diagnosis. That should already tell you that the bulling was serious.
Once again I feel powerless. I want peace, happiness and prosperity for the world. I care about other people, but also, deep in my heart I know, this it because I believe that if there’s no drama happening to other people, that means I am also safe.