I feel so inadequate

Image added on 23rd of April 2022

With my little blog. Considering what is happening in Ukraine it really feels like my problems are so unimportant. And yet, they are my problems and my blog is about life as an autistic person so there’s nothing else I can write about. I mean, I can post my opinion on Putin war. Is he ever going to stop? Well, he is a narcissist and he must be aware that even if he stopped now, even if he got what he wants, no leaders of other countries would ever really respect him, so he will continue. I believe for the war to stop someone needs to get rid of him.

And now back to my ‘little problems’. Yesterday I got a text message from a lady I met through one of my agency placements. We had a few chats and exchanged phone numbers and only after that I realised that she seemed to be someone who would happily put me down. She wanted to meet up and I said yes. I’m not quite sure what for? Possibly I wanted to check if I could trust my judgement of her. However, the problem with that is that I already made my decision so I won’t allow trust to build up.

I wonder sometimes why neurotypicals are like that? I mean they sometimes use other people to feel better about themselves. I would never do that. I want everyone to be happy and successful because that means that happiness and success are not difficult to achieve so I can manage them too. Do neurotypical think about it in a different way? Are they worried there’s not going to be enough for them? I don’t really now and I doubt they would want to admit to that.

I decided to do exercises from Sleep School on a really regular basis now, even up to two times a day. I want to see how it will affect my anxiety. Yes, anxiety – I thought I don’t have any, because I don’t feel scared or worried, I just feel irritated. A couple of years ago I read that irritation is also a sign of anxiety but I found it difficult to make sense of it. Only after doing the exercises properly for a couple of days I realised I’m actually anxious. Not even anxious of anything in particular, not worried of speaking with people, it’s more like a reaction to ever changing environment and lack of control. I will use my remaining days of sick leave to really put my mind into those exercises and see what happens. I may however write less as a result – I guess if I feel better I won’t need to record my feelings on the blog. But I’ll still be writing about communication and how I interpret other people behaviour.

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