This is post 500

The above is my Redecor design from this morning. It’s really cute with this painting, wouldn’t you agree? Ok, you probably wouldn’t, I get it. As I say about most of my Redecor designs, I wouldn’t want to live there but it would certainly be fun to visit.

I have terrible headache today and I don’t know if it’s because of bad sleep, or possibly my cold didn’t clear off yet, or maybe it’s even delayed response to bereavement?

Regarding bereavement, I started having this surprising thought today that now, finally, I am my own person. I’m not sure where this thought is coming from, but I suppose I did feel responsible for my mum’s happiness in a way, even if she never directly said I owe her anything, or even hinted on that. I suppose, still, seeing her struggling through life was enough for me to decide that I am, in a way, responsible for making it easier for her.

I still have my brother, I suppose, but I don’t feel responsible for him. He chose his own, destructive way of dealing with problems and there’s nothing I can do about it without sacrificing my sanity. And the biggest problem is that, even if I was willing to sacrifice my sanity, he would still keep on drinking.

I changed the layout of my blog a few times recently. I like the current one, as it shows how much I posted (50 pages! Bloody hell!) and doesn’t draw attention to the fact that I’ve only set up this blog around 7 months ago. It also displays tags on the main pages, but it doesn’t seem to display images there – which is slightly disappointing as I was hoping to draw more attention to my patterned art.

Oh, regarding my art: I think it’s been like 7 weeks now since I set up my Etsy shop and I still didn’t describe listings properly! I didn’t have any sales, which I’m quite happy about at the moment, but I think, if it continues like that it will obviously look bad on me as an artist.

I guess, when the headache stops, I’ll go to a local print shop and order some of my images in print to see how they look like. I guess I’m not very well organised, am I? I should have done that before I set up Etsy store! I think this is all because I live in my head a lot. And to be honest, I’m quite happy there.

I run out of clean plates today and had to start washing up. Did I tell you that I like clean kitchen? It hasn’t been clean for a while recently, I guess since I started writing posts about sexuality, which was around middle of January – I remember as I started that just a few days before my mum died.

I’m not in a mood for more sexually revealing content, I believe I wrote a lot already about the subject, comparing with other autistic bloggers, but even if I was in a mood to discuss it again, I’d worry that at some point men would look at me like someone who wants to have sex with whoever – even though I explicitly stated that casual sex is not something I recommend for autistic women. But you know how men are like, don’t you? ‘Monkey brain’ how my dad used to say.

Yes, I definitely feel like my own person today. Even though I have a headache (it will go away, I hope?). I wonder how my mum would react to my posts about sexuality? She was quite open minded, but then, thinking something is one thing and writing about it openly is another.

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