I’m back to being myself

My ‘being anonymous’ experiment lasted for almost a week and I don’t think I liked it. It shows though that I have no ability to predict how I will feel in a new situation. I went anonymous because it was suggested as a solution to my workplace problems by two ladies in my autism group. If it was only one lady who said that, I wouldn’t take much notice, but after I’ve heard it from two people, it made sense. Two is already a pattern, wouldn’t you agree?

So possibly I understand patterns but when I try to apply them to social or emotional situations they may still not make any sense. I feel that they do, when they don’t.

Anyway, when I was changing my ‘about me’ page, I took the opportunity to rewrite all the description. I hope it sounds more cheerful now. It probably doesn’t really say who I am, but it doesn’t have to, I don’t think? If it was that easy, I wouldn’t need to make all of those blog posts.

After I changed the description I in fact felt like I’m allowed to be myself again and stopped feeling desperate to be famous. So I guess that is a good thing. But I also realised I’m scared. I’m really worried that being so open about who I am may bring negative consequences. I’m not sure what that would be? Possibly cyber bulling? Possibly people not understanding how I think telling me that I have no empathy? I’m really worried about that, but then, this is why I blog openly – to give people the chance to understand how I think.

I think my cold is finally lifting. When I was unwell I was unable to do any intermittent fasting. I always crave sweets when I have a cold, but at least when I still had fasting on my mind, I didn’t eat as many of them as I would normally do.

I was browsing photos on my mobile today and saw a photo of mum. The last one I took of her, when she was in the care home already. And I thought that at some point I still believed she’s going to be out and well for another couple of years. It’s so difficult to accept that I was wrong.

But then, even if she was well enough to leave the care home, she’d never be able to make my brother to be normal again. And that is what I needed her for. To make unacceptable situation to appear like if it was OK. That’s what she used to do my entire life. And now I need to create my own rules of engagement with my brother, with myself, and the entire life. Maybe that’s why I’m scared? I don’t know. Being autistic I don’t understand my emotions, I guess we already agreed on that?

I also miss John. We were speaking for a bit the last couple of days and it really feels to me like he’s the only person who can understand me (even if he doesn’t sometimes). But that is what’s making me feel weak and like I need a constant support. I wonder what can I do about that? I suppose being a person who doesn’t understand their own emotions, it is easier for me to suppress them. I’m worried that if I’m back with John, he will see me as a weak person. Or maybe I’ll see myself as weak? You see – I don’t even know what I’m talking about. It doesn’t make any sense to me already! I only know for sure that being in touch with my emotions for even slightly too long makes me feel weak an incompetent and I don’t want to feel like that around John, but then I have no idea how else I can experience emotional intimacy. Or maybe emotional intimacy is not really for me? Omg, I really wish someone could tell me what to do because I’m totally lost.

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