I have to say that I stopped taking my ‘anonymity’ seriously – it seems like it’s just a hiding game now. People can still read on the blog which country I’m from, which village I was brought up in, what job I do, where I live now and even how tall I am. And of course my age!
I’m not exactly sure why I’m continuing this hiding game then, but somehow I feel like this is the right thing to do now. I must say hiding reduced my compulsion to put the entire life on the blog, but I guess the fact that my energy changed also made an impact.
I was saying on the blog last week that I am having terrible difficulties with imagining the future after my mum died, up to a point where it seemed like nothing will ever happen at all, I just needed to survive at work till I retire and that was making me feel desperate and depressed. To cope with that I decided to try visualisations and that changed my energy within merely 2 days! I continued though, and suddenly I had this idea that I need to start a new career. I will not be saying what it is yet, it needs to be hidden for now, the same like my identity. But certainly without visualisations I’d never even have any idea at all.
To make it happen though I need to involve other people and that’s the difficult bit. This is exactly where wheels used to fall off whenever I wanted to involve others in my endeavours, so please keep your fingers crossed for me. I really want things to be different this time.
It’s 5am now and I didn’t get any sleep yet. This is because my brain is trying to work out how to best use what I have and predicting other people reactions takes ages for me.
Did I tell you it took me 3 days to realise that Home Group had fabricated documents in my file regarding my diagnosis? 3 whole days after I read in their employment tribunal response that my diagnosis was private. At first it made completely no sense.
So I need to do similar process now: I need to analyse. But what is even more difficult is that I need to analyse what may happen. While with Home Group I needed to analyse information about things that already happened, so that was far easier, even under severe stress.