It was a difficult decision, but at the same time I made it on a whim. I make loads of my decisions on a whim. I wouldn’t call myself impulsive though. I guess, impulsive for me means a person who goes after what they want, which I rarely do. I wish to believe that I’m responsible and I control my desires well, while the reality is a bit different: I very rarely get notifications to go for what I want. I get those to resist much more often.
Today, after posting to my autistic female group about my shift getting cancelled behind my back, I had two ladies telling me that if I want to blog about difficult subjects, I need to go anonymous. If it was one lady only, I’d ignore her – a single event doesn’t mean much to me. But two events create a pattern. Patterns make sense to me, so I went for it.
I am absolutely unable to predict what will be the consequence of me blogging openly about the things I blog, and that seems to get worse since I realised I’m autistic. Not that before realising it I was able to predict the consequences of my actions but I was doing what I wanted in a lot of situations and somehow at the end getting where I wanted to be. Unless what I wanted required me to colaborate with people a lot, then I would fail almost immediately.
Since I found out I’m autistic I stopped relying on this ability to get me through life and instead I’m trying to make up for my weaknesses. But that really isn’t working! What I’m supposed to do about that?
And the truth is, I don’t want to blog anonymously. It feels like life is taking away the only real joy from me (well, except of my digital art) and I’m putting myself in exactly the same situation that I was in a year ago: I’m afraid to speak up because I’m worried about keeping my job. And then I’m getting upset that people see me as Looser from Eastern Europe. But maybe that’s who I was for them, only because I never went after what I wanted?
Maybe it’s time to do that now? I don’t know yet what it is that I want to do, but I certainly don’t want to hide anymore.