Mind you, when I say ‘episode’ I mean ‘psychosis’, for those of you who don’t know me, I had two within the last 5 years. It all started with my employment for Home Group – and of course Home Group knows I blog about them, but they’re not too bothered. Not that I want them to face any consequences but it would be nice to feel that possibly they are at least ashamed.
I was ashamed of having go through psychosis when I was trying to recover. And I am still now. The fact that I blog about it doesn’t mean that the shame is gone. It’s rather that I blog about it to deal with the shame. I know, logically, I didn’t do anything bad by having psychosis, and yet I know some people will judge. So I blog about it to feel more in control.
I am having a difficult day. I don’t want to say what happened because I still feel strong emotions and I’m worried I may end up writing something I will regret later, but I asked my surgery for a sick note. It’s difficult for me to be off sick, as it seems like if I can still function, I should go to work. The fact that my feelings have been ignored in the past doesn’t help as well. It only trained me to ignore my needs even further.
On a logical level I know that I shouldn’t be going to work where other people health and wellbeing depend on me when I’m in a bad state of mind, but then, does that mean I should call in sick every time when I am upset? We all get upset sometimes, don’t we?
The thing is, I am unable to assess how upset I am. I’m not screaming or crying, or anything like that. So it feels to me like I should be working. I don’t even know what ‘unfit for work due to bad mental health’ looks like. If I feel like I want to spend the entire day curled up on the sofa, does that mean I am unfit for work? But you know what? I can get up if I really have to and make myself to do stuff.
Even the fact that similar attitude caused me to lose my job last year doesn’t make me think any differently: I should make myself work. Work is good for me. That’s what NHS says, or at least that is my impression of their advice.
It’s really windy today. And I don’t know how I feel.
So, if I have another episode and I’ll keep posting, would that be ok? Will my readers continue reading and being non judgmental of me?
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