It’s 3.30am and I woke up at 2. That means I managed an hour and a half without posting. I sometimes wonder if I post too much? I definitely post much more when I’m emotionally unstable. I wonder if this is something that I should hide? But what is the difference between hiding this and hiding my autistic traits? BTW, that is probably an autistic trait.

Yesterday I was contacted by a lady from my village who asked me about a family member, someone who was my grandad’s auntie. The auntie apparently had a learning disability and used to live in our family home.

The lady who contacted me said it was also her family and she’s trying to find her grave now.

My grandad was apparently given a piece of land to take care of her. My grandad died in the early 80s and he was 86 I think at the time. I take it the auntie was older than him? Although it’s never clear for sure, I have some cousins that are 20+ years older than me.

Anyway, my mum never mentioned that person and I’m now wondering whether it’s possible that it was such a taboo for her? It doesn’t make any sense to me. I must say she didn’t talk much about our family and, when I think about it now, I find it difficult to understand why I don’t know certain things. She would repeat the same stories over and over so it seemed like she talked quite a bit, while in fact I didn’t know much. But I find it difficult to imagine that she would hide the fact that they had another family member living with them, only presuming, became of the learning disability?

My mum didn’t seem to be a person who would be bothered by taboo around learning disability. She took me to a child psychologist when I was 6 because she was concerned about my behaviour. If she was into taboos, she wouldn’t take me, I think?

I feel very disturbed by that information. I also think it’s very tactless of that lady to tell me about it now, when I can’t ask my mum about it any more. So I turned that into opportunity to practice speaking the truth and told her exactly that.

BTW, what was that she wanted, really? She kept asking me where is that auntie’s grave and I kept telling her I have no idea and that she would be best to ask in the church. And yet, she insisted to ask me instead? Even though I was repeatedly telling her I didn’t know that the person even existed.

I felt like she’s blaming me. Because my grandad received piece of land to take care of that lady and I have no idea where her grave is? And what I’m supposed to do with that? I don’t even know if that story is true. I find it all rather disgusting.

I wonder if she’s going to respond.