I spent significant part of the afternoon reading or listening to podcasts about, well… manifesting. I’m not sure how well known that term is, but if you ever heard about The Secret, you will know what I mean.

Initially I just wanted some positive thinking exercises to improve my ability to understand that yes, the future is going to happen. The inability to imagine future or even understand that that it will come is not widely discussed autistic trait but I’m sure this is exactly what is responsible for some of our troubles. It was probably even involved into me not leaving Home Group when I should have done… oh, ok, that is complicated as somewhere else I said I was fixated on using my story to show what sometimes happens to autistic employees. Even though I didn’t have a story at the time as I had no idea that manager put fabricated documents into my file. So I don’t know what I was obsessed about? Maybe I sensed something much bigger was going on? I really don’t know, but it shows that we, autistics, are not necessarily very logical. I guess, when people are involved logic wouldn’t always work anyway.

I obviously sometimes compare myself with other autistic people, mostly those who I know online, or just with general description and I can see that I cope really well with changes in routine, I mean, for an autistic person of course. If I compare myself with neurotypical people, I’d say I’m a little bit lower than an average. I can also cope with unpredictable circumstances, that’s why I managed to do so much travelling and I enjoyed it. But my ability to imagine that something will happen is close to zero. Obviously I understand that if I have a doctor appointment, it will most likely happen, but I’m talking here about things that are either not scheduled or are new to me.

I remember, when I was first meant to go to the disco in our village, when I was 16, and for someone who lived in a village with very few options of entertainment the disco was a big deal, I decided on the day that something will happen, possibly a power cut? And the disco will be cancelled.

The funny thing is, the power cut did happen but it was around 2am already so we just went home. And I was convinced I evisioned that.

Then later, I had the same feeling when I got invited for first 18th birthday party, which are a big deal in Poland. I don’t know where I took it from that that party will be somehow different? But that was my understanding. And again, because it was new to me, I decided that it won’t happen to me. It will either be cancelled or I won’t manage to get there. I told that to my mum and she didn’t seem too concerned. After the party I went for a sleepover to a friend and stayed there a few hours longer than planned. We didn’t have a phone at the time so I couldn’t call my mum and what she did was, she got so concerned that she went to town to look for me. Only because I told her I had a feeling I won’t be at the party.

Then, later on, I had exactly the same idea about my prom: it just won’t happen, someone will be sick or something and even if it happens, it will all be crap and at least half of the people won’t turn up. I even had a list in my head, that I didn’t share with anyone as I knew it will sound weird. I’m thinking, possibly, in the case of prom, the problem was also that we were supposed to come with a partner and loads of us were single. Some girls invited guys who they didn’t even liked or knew. I think possibly I couldn’t imagine that to work?

Anyway, what I wanted to say is, that I now become convinced that this is the single reason for me not being able to make my life interesting: I definitely want something out of life but I just can’t seem to believe that anything I do will get me there. I stopped enjoying travelling to be honest, or at least it’s not as important as it used to be, so I had no idea what else I could do. And I think it went especially bad after I paid off my mortgage: there’s just nothing in my schedule that I know I have to do. I just need to survive at work till I retire – that doesn’t seem very enthusiastic but somehow that’s how I felt before I started blogging.

Even when I have the idea to do something, if it doesn’t work out straight away or I can’t get people to join me (and I can’t because instead of building connections and listening to what they want I harras them with my ideas) I almost immediately feel like a failure.

Even the blogging – I don’t know why I didn’t start it ages ago? I loved writing, I wrote two novels. Neither of them got properly publised, that’s a different story. Maybe that’s a part of a problem, that my efforts never worked out for reasons that were not under my control. But blogging is a bit different – blog posts get published straight away. And yet, I couldn’t do it, till after I eventually realised a couple of months ago that it’s all because I can’t imagine things happening.

It felt to me like no even a single person will read my blog, that I’d be blogging for months and won’t even have one reader. Working for a care agency? The same: I felt I’ve never get a booking. So I didn’t leave permanent job even though I wanted more freedom.

So I believe visualisation may help me, but I am a bit concerned it’s always associated with extremely positive psychology. I guess I could just use the parts of the concept that work for me and ignore the rest? I guess that is what neurotypical person would do – I don’t find this a natural solution but I guess I can try to adjust. It may be a good exercise for me.

I did some visualisation today and I still feel confused about the future but at least I get some understanding that things will happen. Although, to be honest, after writing this post I started getting upset again that they won’t. Oh well… Should I do another manifesting exercise?

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