When I received the phone call about my mum, I was just in the middle of writing a post about sexuality. I left it then but I finished a day or two later. Four days later I went on a trip to Oxford. I thought I was coping. I was surprised by that but I also thought that was because my mum’s dementia progressed very quickly and I was unable to have a conversation with her any more. I thought I was ready for her to go. Even though I was hoping to see her again and at least hold her hand. I was hoping she’ll recognise me and smile.
But I didn’t think much about her. So when she died, although shocked at first, I seemed to adjust really quickly. So why I’m depressed now? It doesn’t make any sense to me.
Will the depression go by itself, the same like it turned up? And what if it doesn’t? I don’t want to be in a situation where I have to explain my feelings to people. Not only that I don’t like it in general, I also know that people misinterpret how I feel a lot. Although I must say it doesn’t happen with the psychiatric team that I have since I got sectioned in December 2019. So maybe having another episode was worth it? It’s strange when you think about it like that in a neurotypical way, but then, neurotypical people feelings don’t get misinterpreted on a daily basis so they probably don’t know how important it is to finally be allowed to be who you are.