I started reading about grief online in hope to make everything seem more real. I obviously was aware of the five stages of grief concept, and it looks like I’m on depression at the moment. I don’t think I experienced much of a bargaining though, it really feels to me like I did what I could for my mum. I wonder if this is an autistic reaction and possibly neurotypicals would experience it differently? Because, you know, if we are really stubborn we could say I could have gone to Poland with her in June, when she insisted she didn’t want to stay with me any more.

I could have not challenged her when she tried to reorganise my flat and my eating habits. Possibly, if I didn’t challenge her, she would have agreed to stay with me? But the truth was, my mum living with me didn’t really work for any of us. So again, what I did was, I acted out my feelings and let her know I’m not happy. It wasn’t once only, it was taking place over a period of time. And I thought, if she adjusts she can stay, if she doesn’t, she needs to go back. So technically I could have done more, I could have forgotten about my boundaries and focus all my attention on making her comfortable. But I don’t think like that at all. I know that my boundaries are important so if mum was unhappy about it, it was her choice.

I wonder if neurotypical people would think the same way? Because, if mum didn’t go back to Poland, she could possibly still be alive.

When my dad died I only felt an anger and then, after a couple of days or possibly two weeks I moved to acceptance. That was just at the beginning of lockdown and it’s difficult to say which of my emotions were caused by grief and which by lockdown.

With mum I first was in denial. I thought that I accepted her death, only now, approximately 3 weeks later I can see that I didn’t.