It’s 4.11am BTW and I didn’t get any sleep yet. I think I stopped being upset about what happened at work and now I’m just upset about the fact that I got upset about it. I feel like life should make up to me for the fact that I’m so disadvantaged. I’m wondering why other people are being supported in fulfilling their potential why I’m not even allowed what’s one of the most basic human needs: to be myself.
I’m wondering if telling the truth is going to solve my problems and whether it will protect me from situations like I had with Home Group, or at least from situations where people see me like ‘Loser from Eastern Europe’. But even if it helps, why wasn’t I suggested to do that before? I’m 44 now, you know? I deserved better than what I had.
I’m also wondering how this will look in reality? Is it going to be enough if I prepare some statements that I could use to start? Like for example: I really don’t like when you do…, I don’t agree with what you said about…, and then I’ll just fill in the blank with what is on my mind? Autistics are very good at filling in forms, would that work the same way?
And why, on earth, I didn’t come up with that before? If I don’t like something my mind usually goes totally blank. Only if the same thing happens a few times, I will know what to say, but by that time I am so upset that I feel like screaming.
From what I know mind going blank under stress is not unusual for an autistic person. Is it possible to learn to say what I need in those circumstances?
I am actually worrying that if I don’t calm down, I may end up having another episode. Is it worth it? Over someone who didn’t say goodbye to me? But part of me feels like I want to get myself so unwell, so that people see how they make me feel, because normally they never do. At best I’m treated like a puppet. At best, I said.
Why Simon Baron-Cohen has all the opportunity to work on his shitty research that doesn’t do anything to help me cope and he doesn’t even have the courtesy to be polite to me? While I have to pretend to survive?
Right at the moment I want to stop existing. I don’t have the courage to take it any further than that, and also, what stopps me is the fact that I never learn about the impact it had on people.