It was supposed to be fasting day for me, since after lunch time yesterday, even though I knew that was a bit early after the previous fast just 3 days ago. I was doing ok till 0.30am but then, while recovering from meltdown caused by the situation at work, I felt like I need a little comfort. I also had 3 chicken tikka bites. Not much at all then, so I am glad that it was in fact ‘a little’ comfort and not a massive slice of cake (I don’t have cake, BTW). I guess intermittent fasting is in fact helping me eat less. One of the first proponents of this eating style was actually saying that by fasting we train our brain to focus on not eating, while if you’re on an any diet, you’re still focused on food – you have to be to be able to control your eating habits and then, what happens is, you’re subconsciously thinking about food all the time and this is what makes you eat more at the end. It makes sense, but I guess some things that made sense for me in the past, didn’t turn out to be true at all. Like for example that if I behave like everyone else, I’ll become one of them. ‘Fake it until you make it’ was what my counsellor used to say. And that was just a few years ago.

It’s 1.15am now and I think, I should probably go to sleep. But I’m wondering, what else I can do when I have a meltdown, instead of eating? Autistic meltdowns are usually described as us screaming, possibly throwing ourselves on the floor. I never did that. Well, possibly I did when I was a child? But then my dad would prevent it from going further. And this way I learned to control my behaviour. But I didn’t learn to control my emotions.

When I came from work today, for around an hour or so, I felt like if I was stabbed in the stomach. Only because, after the whole day effort of being social, I was ignored when I said Goodbye.

What else I can do when I feel the same way again? Should I scream, the same like other autistic people? But then, you know, I wouldn’t be able to do that now probably, and I guess it must take loads of energy? I could consider it though, as long as I know it’s going to help quicker than resting and waiting for the bad feelings to go away.

Would 10 minutes of screaming be ok, you think? And should I take olanzapine now? But then, if I do that, it will be because of other people. How many times this is going to happen to me? I feel like this is so deeply unfair, that after all I’ve been through in life, I have to take psychotropic meds because someone ignored me when I said Goodbye.