I really don’t know what it is. When I first started talking about my emotions and life experiences on the blog it was enough for me to feel that I’ve been given a voice, even though I didn’t have many readers at all. At that time I checked my statistics once, maybe twice a week, and it was OK.
The last couple of days I keep checking them over and over and I actually started getting concerned. Also, I feel like something is missing in my life again, and I don’t even know what it is? Possibly an impact? I always wanted to make an impact on the world somehow but never managed. Possibly it would be easier if I didn’t have to waste my energy on trying to be ‘like other people’. Can one make a real impact by pretending? I don’t think I ever thought about it that way. But then, I didn’t know why I was different. I thought that by pretending I’ll eventually manage to fix myself.
Possibly I’m a bit discouraged about not being able to make an impact so far? But the truth is, I have this blog for a couple of months only and I really know it’s not enough but I always was a bit impatient. Or possibly, very impatient. I’m not quite sure where this is coming from. I know, on a logical level, that we need to keep on doing whatever we’re doing for quite a while to be noticed but somehow it just doesn’t add up. I think, I may also be worried, that even if people notice my blog, they won’t really listen. They’ll talk to me but will keep misinterpreting what I’m saying or use me as someone to tick off the box and show they understand neurodiversity when in fact they’re not really that interested.
But the thing is, I don’t even know what it is that I want to change? I presume ‘having an impact’ means ‘to change something’?
Or maybe I stopped making enough effort to be myself on my blog? And this is why I want to be heard and validated? Because I don’t validate myself?
I really don’t know what’s happening. Maybe I’m still grieving? But I felt the same way before many times, even though I wasn’t grieving? Maybe it’s those posts about sexuality that made me, I presume, sound like someone very confident, when I don’t think I really am. Or maybe I miss John? He was such a brilliant listener. But I can’t use him as a way to understand my emotions. I don’t think that’s fair, not only on him but also on myself.
Or maybe it’s my normal, periodic confusion? I’ve always been going through those stages: confident, confused, confident again. When I’m confused I tend to abandon whatever I was doing and then, when I feel confident again I need to start all over. After a few of those cycles I started feeling quite useless. I wonder if those cycles are natural for autistics? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone discussing this. I don’t know how to manage it. I guess deleting my blog is not a solution? All those 400+ posts will disappear, and some of them were about communication.
But this is how I feel right now: I want something to be different, and I don’t even know what or why. I’m not depressed though, I may not be overly happy but certainly not depressed. I’d say I probably don’t even have a mood at all. Do you think that’s possible? Not having a mood? I certainly feel like I don’t have one right now.
I wasn’t playing Redecor lately at all and didn’t do any patterns for good couple of days. Maybe when I start again I’ll feel better? Or maybe the opposite is true and I should take a break?
Also, I’m really worried at times about Professor Baron-Cohen’s conduct and the fact that, even though I have my blog, I can’t really do anything. No one will care what I think. Why we, autistics, can’t assess our researchers? The fact I can’t makes me feel like I’m an animal.
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