Ok, first of all, I don’t think I’m being serious at the moment, but yes, this idea crossed my mind several times today. I think I am a bit overwhelmed with the fact that, possibly, due to my blogging and being so open about a lot of things here, I may not be able to find permanent job in care. Working for an agency has some positives (surprisingly, I like being new to a place, not knowing anyone’s name and what is going on) but then the commuting to that new place is not so much fun at all, the same like getting lost in the building several times a day.

I already rejected the live in care job because I was worried I won’t have anything to blog about in that line of work and, although I don’t actually regret it, I am wondering if being a blogger is going to bring me long term satisfaction I’m looking for.

It is bringing me short term benefits, that’s for sure (I mean here improved emotional regulation) but I wonder whether 3 years down the line I won’t find it all a bit boring? I guess, if it was just for the purpose of emotional regulation, I could blog anonymously, but I think I want something more out of my blog.

I shall say here that, although I definitely consider autism to be a disability (and I would definitely say, yes, I am disabled) I find it really upsetting when people make assumptions about us that only disable us more. My favourite will have to be ‘due to your autism you have to be very careful with guys because they’ll take advantage of you’ but I’m sure other autistic people could come up with more.

But then, who is going to listen to what I have to say, if the most prominent British autism researcher thought it was ok to be patronising towards me and didn’t change his attitude even when challenged?

I don’t understand.

So, what I was saying, although I seem to like working for an agency so far, I don’t like being in a situation where my choices are limited and that’s how I feel. It seems like that’s the price I have to pay for being able to speak up. I didn’t anticipate that.

Regarding my private life, John seems to be grilling me recently over what I want from him. I find it kind of cute but also a bit confusing. Not to mention I don’t really know what to say. I certainly don’t want to lose him (I’m petrified to think I believed I didn’t want anything to do with him when I first told him it was over). It is a bit difficult as, in a way it seems to me that we should discuss problems now, when we’re on a break, but the most important problem in our relationship was that we didn’t have enough fun and positive experiences. So possibly doing fun things for a bit would be better? But because he’s grilling me I feel like suggesting that wouldn’t be appropriate so I can’t do anything.

Since very early on after I met John, I felt that this is it. Yet, I never felt capable to do anything to bring my life closer to his. I guess that was because I focus on obstacles more than where I want to be. We live in different towns and each of us has losds of stuff. It won’t all fit into one house. But then, I want to spend more time with him. Should we not make some effort towards that? And possibly this is what I should tell him in response to his question regarding what I want to focus on? It definitely makes sense when it’s written down like that.