I feel better, finally

After sleeping almost 9h previous night, I had 10h of sleep last night. This is such a massive improvement – being able to sleep excesively when I’m going through stressful time is so much better than sleeping for 1 or 2h a night and developing psychosis as a result. Therefore I’d really recommend everyone Sleep School app. Oh, BTW, I don’t know if I stated this on the blog? The app finally stopped working on 12th of January (I expected it to stop working on the 5th) which is a good thing, because there was no way I’d contact the Sleep School customer service to ask them to charge me after the inappropriate emails I sent them a couple of months ago. Don’t ask me what was in those emails, I don’t want to remember. I know that this is personal blog focused on me recording how I think and feel but some things really need to be left out, I’m sorry.

If the app didn’t stop working I’d have no other choice but to stop using it because I feel like, as it improved my sleep so much, I owe Sleep School the payment so if I couldn’t pay, I wouldn’t do anything at all. I didn’t buy new subscription yet but I certainly will. Even though I know the principles, the meditation recordings on the app are very useful. I guess if I don’t have access to them for several weeks, I may end up going back to my old, unhealthy way of thinking and that will cause my sleep to deteriorate again.

I think it is the excessive sleep I had this week that made me feel, finally, like somehow in control of my emotions. I still think about my mum sometimes – and I guess I’ll always will – but I don’t feel stressed any more. I still have to go to Poland at some point to organise things. I’m not sure when this can be done. There’s not really much to do but I certainly need her death certificate. I’m not quite sure what for? Possibly to really understand that her life has ended.

I sometimes regret that I didn’t take more pictures when she was here or possibly when we went to places together and she was smiling and happy. I feel powerless over the idea that one day I won’t remember how she looked like, how she walked and the jokes that she used to make. But in general I feel quite ok.

Regarding John, my emotions stopped being all over the place and I am certain I wouldn’t follow any ‘notifications’ now when trying to decide what to do next. The truth is, I don’t know what I want to do. I appreciate him as a person massively and I fancy him but I don’t want to make any decisions. I am aware he may want to move on as I take time for myself, but then, if that happens I will just tell myself that it wasn’t meant to be. That’s how I deal with relationships. Possibly it’s not the best way of handling difficult situations, but then is forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do any better? I wonder what neurotypicals would do in a similar situation but I guess it varies from person to person.

The truth is, I followed ‘notifications’ to end this relationship because we had difficulties that I never adressed. I didn’t adress them because as I had problems in other areas of life I needed John’s support. Also I felt like I wouldn’t be able to deal with difficulties in one more area of life. But then, that wasn’t fair not only on me but also on John. It’s not just me who deserves the best relationship possible, it’s also him. So I guess this will either progress or will fall apart. I’m not exactly in the position to make any decision just yet but I guess within the next couple of weeks I should feel more like it.

I love John but I can’t keep him in a relationship where I am unhappy. What was that saying? ‘If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.’

I finished my first intermittent fasting at 10am today with a small breakfast. I felt slightly more hungry than normal afterwards but I just ate some fruits. In general I feel ok with how it went. I want to continue and I wonder how to make it work if I decide to fast on my working days (which would be the most convenient) and only break my fast when I’m off and relaxing at home. People were always funny about that, and I wonder if it happens to neurotypicals as well? I mean, that I tell people I fast and I feel better for it and everyone suddenly is like: you shouldn’t, you’ll pass out, it’s not healthy, it will make you irritable… and so on. They don’t listen at all to what I have to say and instead force their opinions on me, even though they never fasted in their lifetime.

What I’m supposed to do with that? I actually had this idea to tell people I’m a member of religious cult and that’s why I fast. I could do that, especially if I don’t like someone but my main focus is to finally be heard and I can’t see how making shocking statements would bring me closer to that.

I’m wondering, maybe I could ask someone who’s an expert in assertive communication? It will be interesting to see what they say. ‘How to be assertive when you’re on the spectrum?’ Interesting, isn’t it?

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