How I marked my mum’s funeral day

I had two naps today for around 4h in total. I wonder if dr Guy Meadows, the founder of Sleep School would be proud of me, or would he feel shocked and devastated? He could be proud because for such a long time sleeping when I was under stress was almost impossible and having a nap during the day was impossible even if I wasn’t under stress. But then Sleep School app says not to make naps long, I think they aim for 1h, but I’m not sure now. I find my nap today to be a huge success.

I watched Jordan Petterson video after I woke up and I’m glad I can finally post a link to something that I call ‘notification’. Please watch it and think about what it actually says.

I will continue writing the post but please watch it first before you read any further. It is a bit confusing, isn’t it? It’s supposed to be an advice for very attractive men but Peterson doesn’t really say what those men should do. So that is how notifications work: the first, direct layer doesn’t make much sense, and what I then do is, I move on to the second layer, the less direct one. And in this case it seemed like the second layer meant: pick and choose, pick and choose, but you can only have one. It seemed like it was a response to my problem with The Boyfriend so I emailed him to say that’s what I want to do, although I’d like him to be one of those men that I will be choosing from.

It botheres me that we never spent much time together, he was always busy and tired and I always had problems. I don’t know how it would be if the problems weren’t there. Maybe, if he didn’t spend 4h a day counselling me online, he would have more time and energy to actually be with me? I do not know. But I want things to change.

He didn’t reply yet, but it’s only been an hour. Let’s see how things are going to unfold but I don’t regret what I said. The truth had to come out somehow: although I loved him and found him to be a massive support to me, I was not happy in this relationship. We shouldn’t be continuing relationship that we’re unhappy with and I unfortunately have a tendency to get stuck.

What’s interesting is that the skeleton image on the video doesn’t bother me at all. That means that I don’t subconsciously think John is going to ruin my life. If that would be what I think, the image would make me shiver.

But then, if he never replies? Or says he’s not interested no more? Well, I’d have to get on with it, won’t I? It will be a bit sad. Very sad actually. But I guess that’s how those things work. Sometimes people change their mind about us. They have the right to do that as the circumstances change and I guess John may not like the idea of being on my blog. I’d really love if things between us work out and if he could be a witness that the fact we’re both autistics doesn’t mean we’re incapable of creating a healthy, supportive relationship. But he may not want to do that and I need to continue my blogging quest, this not only how I help myself to feel better but also how I help other people to understand themselves.

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