I mentioned here before that since I started blogging, I sometimes see words in my head like if they were typed up. Those words seem to describe situation that I am in and appear when I’m under stress. It doesn’t happen very often, but it happened again today. Only that the word ‘yourself’ was not initially there, instead different words were flashing and I felt I had to grab one to keep it there and that’s what I chose.

The neighbour who helped to organise my mum’s funeral, who is some kind of family apparently but we never kept in touch before they moved there, message me photo of my mum in the coffin. She looked old and fragile and I thought again, it was probably time for her to go. But it still hurts. Looking at it was literally like a hit in the stomach. I curled up under my duvet and waited till I felt better. I’m surprised I didn’t have a panic attack. I’d probably have one if I got that message when I was in town.

But at least my mum had a normal coffin, not one made of cardboard. I guess one could say that it doesn’t matter, she’s still dead… but it does. I wanted her funeral to look normal. I didn’t want people to gossip. They still may, because I didn’t come. It feels sad.

When I felt better I ended up having a nap.

I didn’t buy flowers, like I initially wanted. I went to Tesco when I was in town and nothing really appealed to me. I think it was because I realised that if I bought flowers, it would be like if I bought them for myself. I didn’t want flowers, I wanted my mum to be still alive.

I think I am having such difficulties with understanding it because it’s like if the pattern has suddenly changed. We used to do so many things together, now we won’t do anything. Not only one or two things has been taken away from me, but everything. I can’t even sit next to her and hold her hand.

I wonder now if the words that appeared in my head, those about escaping from myself reflect situation that I am in? I suppose they do in a way. That is what I do sometimes, when I don’t know how to deal with a situation. I don’t ask questions, instead I assume something and then do things to test my assumption. It can take a while before I really understand what is going on. But the problem with questions is that people don’t always say what they mean, so although it seems like a more straightforward solution, it only confuses me.

Like now, I wonder, how do I know if John will still want to be in a relationship with me when all the turmoil settles? Maybe he won’t. Maybe he will tell me he doesn’t want to be on my blog. He didn’t protest before, when I revealed his name, which is a good sign, I suppose, but then, after I told him my mum passed away he spoke with me in very short sentences. Like if he didn’t really want to talk, even though he said he wanted to. I mean, again, it’s not necessarily a bad sign, maybe he just knew he wouldn’t be able to support me through this, if he didn’t know where this relationship is going, but again, how do I know?

Maybe he stopped reading my blog and doesn’t know that ideally I’d like him to reach out? But then, is that a bad sign? Maybe he’s just overwhelmed as I post quite a lot when I’m under stress.

So basically I don’t know. And I don’t want to ask. It feels so inappropriate to just reach out and tell him that I am not ready to commit to work on our relationship at the moment, due to the emotional stress I’m going through but I wanted to know if he would wait for me. It seems like if I can’t be with him now, I shouldn’t be asking him to wait. But at the same time, I’m hoping that things will work out, so that means I’m waiting, even though I don’t know if anything will be there when I feel better.

This is what I meant by escaping from myself: waiting when I don’t know if anything will be there. It’s like I’m putting myself into an emotional coffin. What a strange comparison! But at the same time I can’t do anything differently, it feels so inappropriate to reach out and check what he is feeling when I don’t know what I’m feeling.