This is a post directed towards my mental health partnership trust. I was told earlier on that I may be discharged sometimes towards the spring, if things go well. But they are not well at all: I told my nurse yesterday to take me off that monitoring and again, she’s not too bothered. What is going on there? I need to work that thing out, but then, how, if no one is telling me anything?

Clearly, believing that you’re on monitoring is not a normal thing, is it? Yet, the nurse behaves like if it was normal for her. I mean, I get it, she’s really experienced and saw it all before, but then, should she not take it more seriously for that reason?

Anyway, apart from that things are not as bad as I assumed. I mean, my neighbour took my brother with him today to organise the rest of the things needed for mum’s funeral. Still, it should be my brother who asks for help with it and I had clear impression that it was my neighbour pursuing my brother do get more involved.

I think mum will be cremated and I will go to Poland in March. I can’t see any other way out of it. If I go in February and something doesn’t go according to the plan while I feel freezed up, I will just start crying and make a total mess out of myself.

The weather is beautiful today in the UK, or at least that’s how it looks like from my living room window. I need to go out and do some shopping and possibly also I need to start cooking normally again. I thought eating tinned soups will be solution for my food issues and possibly it helps a bit but then talking it to extreme, when I eat tinned soups all the time and never cook makes me miss home made food and what I then do in response? I eat biscuits.

I was thinking about my diagnostician again lately and was wondering how come she doesn’t work in autism field anymore. The centre where I was diagnosed was closed shortly after and I didn’t know what happened with her, although I had the feeling she could be redeployed by my mental health partnership trust. I thought she would continue to be diagnosing people, because why not if there wasn’t anyone to do it in Swindon, but now I’m thinking, maybe she didn’t want to? I wonder how she must have felt when she was told to bring my appointment forward due to bulling at work. She would have known it will make me expect the bulling to stop, and yet, she was expected to do that.

So possibly she doesn’t want to be a part of that system that we have now? One that would expect her to suggest dr John Gray books as a source of relationship advice for autistic women? But then, how are we going to make any progress? Why we, autistic females, are told to try and navigate the dating world by using rules that we don’t understand? You can’t make blind person see colours, do neurotypical people really not understand that?

I didn’t know that I was autistic till I was 38 and yet, I managed with dating quite ok. I mean, I didn’t get married but not all neurotypical women do. I don’t have children, but I never really wanted them that much. I didn’t know that I was vulnerable and that I had to be extra careful with men. If that would be what I was told and I would be advised to read dr Gray books to work out how to talk to men, it would make me feel really hopeless. Not only that I don’t agree with the advice he is giving, now, from my life perspective, but a lot of times I do not understand what it is that he is actually saying.

If I had to rely on his advice, I’d told myself my autism must be extremely severe and relationships will never work for me. This is what current autism advice does to us, women, and who knows what it does to men. Why is this man recommended to us to read? Because he’s famous? I don’t understand. When are things going to change? Does NHS not have their own brain? Can they not read a bit further than a headline? I’m confused and angry at the same time. I really feel that we, autistic women, and possibly autistic men to, have to be saved from the current system that is disabling us even more. I’m not quite sure how to do that, I wouldn’t ask Simon Baron-Cohen though. He’s just a useless, pathetic silly man.