And let me be honest here: I don’t feel like being kind at all. I am just trying, for the sake of it. Because, possibly I didn’t try enough in the past? I don’t know. He was mean to me so many times. Or, if he wasn’t mean, he was just being stupid and made me resent him. Did I tell you how he sprayed body spray in the face of my friend that he liked? Mind you, he would like any girl, probably because no one liked him in return.

So I was like 17 at the time and that friend visited me. We were sitting in my bedroom and talking. He came in and tried to make a conversation but to be honest he was rather annoying and telling jokes that were not funny. We tried to be polite at first but then moved on to ignoring him. There was this can of body spray on the shelf so he grabbed it and sprayed straight into that friendly face and laughed. It was a friendly laugh, mind you. He was trying to be friendly, not mean. But why? If I was 17, he must have been like 21. Who does that? I guess even kids would know not to do that. My brother, when ignored, instead of reflecting on himself (he was making crap jokes) moved on to doing even more inappropriate things.

So it’s not that I was just angry, although in a lot of situations I was (when he was stealing my money mostly) but I was also embarrassed.

And now, he arranged my mum’s funeral without asking me if I can come and look, it’s me who is making an effort to be kind. I texted him saying thank you for organising that and asked if maybe it can be postponed because I’d really like to attend. He didn’t reply. He never does. So I called three times so far and he’s not answering. How long for I can keep myself in that ‘kind mode’ I am not too sure. I feel like kicking his ass and doing that really hard.

I started doing some tidying around again. I mean, again, because, well, I neglected my kitchen… again. I also realised that I forgot to buy jam while out. I’m not sure if I go out again. I’ll see. I don’t like not having basic food items but at the same time it feels to me like staying in and venting online, or possibly just feeling bad about myself is what I should be doing.

I really want to talk to mum now. I always talked to her when my brother made me feel bad. She then tried to do something to make up for it. I’m not sure if she was doing the right thing, like for example if my brother stole 50PLN from me, she’d give me 100. And yes, I felt kind of better but at the same time I was angry with him because then my mum was short because of him.

Now I can’t talk to her any more. But then, I knew this is going to happen. I knew that. And I knew that my brother will be making problems, but this could not have been prevented. I could have not asked my mum to give me support when I didn’t need it only because she was still here. I am saying this because in Poland older people often say to respect and appreciate your parents while they still here. What could I have done differently? Nothing. I’d still have to deal with what I have now.

I’m almost glad that I broke up with John before that. He has been through so much crap because of me that he really doesn’t need that. Who knows, maybe he stopped believing that I can deal with things on my own? All this crap, Home Group employment tribunal, my two psychotic episodes, my medication and lack of sex drive, me being stuck in Poland at the beginning of lockdown, my dad’s funeral that I couldn’t go to, the fraud that my mum’s was a victim, my mum’s accident, my brother’s drinking, me being sacked from work – he knows all of that and always tried to support me. Never complained once. But maybe he forgot that I’m a woman? That I have the ability to have a normal life? And that normal life is what I want, after all. I really hope that when things get better me and him can sit down and talk.