I wonder whether anyone can beat me at that.
So, as I said earlier, after I left my first partner in my early 30s, I wanted to meet emotionally unavailable man for a romance. I didn’t know at the time that they don’t really exist; there seems to be loads of them everywhere, men who just don’t commit so I thought I’d find one easily. Now I think that if a man doesn’t commit it’s because the woman didn’t pass his ‘alfa male test’ but everything else is ok so he’s hanging around hoping one day she will. Obviously man won’t admit it because, first, it’s not what society is telling men to do, second, if he admitted it to his woman and she’d do what he wants, it wouldn’t feel real to him.
Anyway, at the time I didn’t know that and, let’s call him Em, seemed exactly like that man: funny, polite, not interested in a relationship and just about to go abroad for work.
We arranged a date when we were talking it was like a lighting hit me – that’s how we call it in Poland. At the same time he become mute and his jaw dropped, that’s what made me think that he also felt it. That was not what I expected at all. What I was always told about experiences like that was that it meant this is the only man for you, someone who will marry you and you will be happy forever. But I wasn’t ready for that and, as he was about to leave soon, I was worried that I may not have enough time to get to know him and decide what to do.
The lighting didn’t cloud his judgment at all though and he was suggesting we should have sex. I was really shocked with how easy it was for him to reject that feeling and focus on what he can have straight away. His reaction made me feel frightened. I was also worried that if I give in, he will leave and never speak to me again and I’d be hurt so nothing happened between us.
After he left I emailed him and he said in response that maybe I could visit and that there is Catholic Church in town so I could go for a mass on Sunday and ‘to confession’ and I thought, that’s an interesting concept. After he left, the situation was different – if I went to see him, he wouldn’t be able to run off afterwards so I felt in control. However, he never invited me.
As I had time to think, I decided, what do I have to lose – I’d do the same thing that he did. So I told him directly I really fancied him and wanted to check how sex would feel in that situation. I thought that would make him more turned on and wanting to do something but it didn’t. At some point he actually came back to the UK briefly but didn’t arrange to see me. That again made me more turned on. He never actually refused, he just never said yes or made any plans for that to happen.
That situation lasted for good couple of months. At one point I thought maybe he finds my confidence too intimidating and I decided to pretend to be sweet and naive. And then guess what happened? He changed his mind immediately and wanted to arrange a date and have sex with me. But something was wrong with his communication. It took me a few hours to realise that what happened was, Em thought that I was making this effort the entire time because I wanted to deceive him into wanting me for a relationship! Omg! That’s how men are like: when they think that you are low quality woman who is using her sexuality to deceive him they want to have sex with you only to dump you later! Even though when they thought you’re confident and knew what you were doing, they didn’t want it. I beat him up with my careful use of language.
It all went downhill from that moment. Em was trying to keep me interested by practicing one of the online pick up artists techniques on me, I think he even paid for his premium content. We met once more but he said beforehand he has a girlfriend (I don’t know if that was true – if it was then it was very naughty of him to keep in touch with me) so he needed to be faithful. I found it all very entertaining in the moment but I was also getting really tired. The thing is, lighting or not, or whether he lived abroad or in the UK, after what I saw he was doing I would never trust him. Possibly if he admitted that he was wrong, I’d move on and gave him a chance for more normal relationship – if he wanted one, but he just kept moving from one trick to another. All the time while refusing sex. That’s how men can be like.
It made me wonder for a very long time why he was doing that and to be honest, I still don’t know for sure. Possibly the fact that I was so open-minded made him so turned on that it was more important to mess me about with his use of words than to actually have sex with me. Possibly he would want sex after gaining emotional advantage of me, but for that I’d needed to trust him and I could not because of his tricks.
The thing is, even though he seemed an excellent communicator, he demonstrated that he had no ability to see how his choices affected my opinion of him.
Anyway, it’s a good example that men don’t always want just sex. Their reasoning is much more complicated. They want sex only from you if they think that’s the only thing that you have to offer. It’s tough but it’s true.
One more time when I was refused sex by a guy was my first partner, after we broke up. It was a few months after I moved out. We were still friends, but good friends. As I couldn’t find that man for a romance and was getting sexually frustrated I asked my ex if he wants to ‘assist me’ and guess what, he said no. We even went on holiday a few times together and he never made a move on me. I think we still loved and appreciated each other but our situation was complicated. He was a part of complex family dynamic where I never fit in but there were also other issues that were making this relationship feel very heavy.