Ok, so that is pretty horrible: I was thinking what to do about The Boyfriend and the fact that I still want to be with him, but I’m not sure how the things will work out if he doesn’t fully support my blog. I really believe that I have something important to say: guys always treated me well, despite of the fact that I’m autistic, but then I need a man to confirm that. Me and The Boyfriend had been through so much during our relationship: the Home Group drama, my two psychotic episodes, the hospital stays, my medication and it’s side effects – and yet, we pretty much never argued. We support and respect each other. But then, if he never confirms that is true people will think that I made it all up.

So I was thinking what to do and I suddenly saw that ad about losing weight. It was about ‘that one activity that you do every day’ that will help you lose weigh. It didn’t mention what the activity is and it didn’t make any sense because, if we do it every day anyway, we should all be slim already, shouldn’t we? But it was there, so I tried to work out it’s meaning and then, at some point I’ve heard that statement: it’s precious. I was perfectly aware that was referring to ‘that activity’ but, by coincidence Precious is The Boyfriend’s surname. And then it made me think that I need to cut him off from my life completely, because he will be dragging me down. That he is that unwanted weight. I cannot control that! I am perfectly aware that this is just a random piece of information but it makes sense to me, it seems to be the solution for my problem! So that is another example how I use notifications to makes sense of things that are too difficult for me to understand.

Yet, as I said, despite my problems with social skills, men always treat me well. It is said that we, autistic females have to be extra careful because men will deceive us. I was only diagnosed at 38 so most of my life I didn’t even know I have to be extra careful and yet, I was in situations before where it was man who refused casual sex because he couldn’t have a relationship with me. I do not think this is just my experience, I did hear about situations in Poland that were similar, but then, this is not widely discussed there. Women have sex with men but don’t really talk about it because of the powerful influence of Catholic Church.

Yes, you can keep a man and make him want you by having sex with him, but you have to act out of instinct. Everyone has it, autistic or not, although autistics are better at it. But in general people act on their instinct when they feel danger. And we had plenty of situations to experience that in Poland. Wars, communism, high unemployment rate – you name it. And during the war and after a lot of men died so women had to use everything they had to keep one for themselves. If you do that out of instinct, you act and behave differently. You connect with man’s powerful desire to own a woman. You became someone who he can work out his deepest desire with. And what is his deepest desire? He wants to have a woman that will agree to have sex with him whenever he wants to because she feels that she belons to him, so it’s his right to do that. It’s her responsibility to please him. That’s what men really want out of a relationship, on an instictive level. They will never admit to it, because there is no space for it in our society. If they’d admitted that publicly in current climate, they’d never have any sex at all after that.

And if you do that out of instinct, when you really feel it, not because it’s just another trick for you, it will be men who will give you ultimatums to get your act together and they will refuse sex altogether if they can’t have relationship with you. It is really that simple.

Sexual desire is controlled by instinct so we should use instinct to manage it, wouldn’t you agree? It’s not controlled by social skills or emotions. Moreover, when you deny yourself sex with a man that you fancy because you want a relationship and he doesn’t, you become manipulative and men don’t like that. It is that simple.

That need to own a woman is so powerful for a man that if he really thinks you can be the one, he will be testing you at the beginning of your relationship by offering you non string attached sex. And if you go for it and find it sexy, then he thinks that you are that woman and he’ll want you for a relationship. But even if you agreed that this is not a relationship yet (but remember, be honest, if you want a relationship, you need to admit that) he will still be testing you. Even autistic men have the ability to do that.

I can think of a one scenario here but there can be others of course. You meet up for an evening date during the week, when he has to go to work early the next day and he’ll be very attentive to you when you’re having sex and will make an effort to put your needs first. And in the morning you’ll kiss for a bit and then he’ll push himself into you and says ‘I can think of worse ways to wake up’. And if you find it sexy it will mean for him that yes, he can own you and he’ll want you for a relationship. If you find it disrespectful he’ll think that he can’t own you, that he isn’t an alfa male for you and he’ll become disappointed and disinterested or, if everything else is good he’ll continue to date you but will never offer you the commitment. He will be hoping that maybe one day you will pass his test. And only then he can commit to you. That’s how men really are like.

Man is perfectly aware of what society is telling us about those situations: that good men always put women needs first in bed. But then he thinks, if you feel desire right in that moment, it wouldn’t matter to you, would it? You would forget about it and give in. That’s how women behave in the presence of an alfa male.

If a guy never tests you this way but you are in a relationship, then he’s not really that much into you. He may treat you well, spend time with you, because yes, he wants to have sex but also he wants to demonstrate to the world around him that he has a girlfriend: he has the ability to find one and also he’s normal, but he’s hoping, deep in his heart that one day he’ll find a woman that he will consider alfa female and if she pases his tests he’ll dump you and marry her instead. And you’ll be wondering what you did wrong. But you didn’t do anything wrong, he just didn’t consider you the one. You can’t control that perception whatever you do. It either is there or it’s not. The only thing that you did wrong is that instead of looking for that alfa male and fighting for him with every tool you can possibly imagine, you settled for a man who seemed like he wants to commit. You have to be honest with yourself, if you just want a man to fill in that ‘boyfriend void’ instead of looking for someone that you really fancy, that’s what is going to happen to you.