Ok, that will be a quick post – let’s hope. I was feeling a bit funny the last couple of days again, which I believe was caused by me trying to work out how to work with visual patterns. I believe psychotic state is when we focus on patterns too much and miss their meaning – I’m not sure this is exactly what happens, that’s what it felt too me, but then we need to remember that neurotypical people also experience psychosis. I wonder if for them it works any different.

As I stated here before, I’m on as required olanzapine – an antipsychotic – which is not how it is normally prescribed (it is long term medication) but it works for me this way. If I take it early enough after feeling a bit strange, one tablet is enough to correct it and I don’t have side effects. I don’t have problems with the fact that I may need the script for the rest of my life but it is a bit scary in a way. Psychosis is not a normal state but also ‘normal’ people don’t reach out for medication to correct their mental state when they’re stressed. So it feels to me that just the fact that I’m on meds means I’m allowing myself the chance of having another episode. Does that make sense?

That was the reason why I left my psychosis support Facebook group – it was an extremely supportive community and I felt that my insight allows others to make sense of their experiences (that includes families of people who experience psychosis). And yet, after a few months in that group I felt that just being a member there it’s a notification for my autistic brain that it’s ok to have another episode. I guess neurotypical people don’t experience things this way.

So what I did yesterday, instead of reaching for the tablet, I had 3/4 of bottle of wine. It’s what normal people do to destress, wouldn’t you agree? And it was my birthday.

I feel I need to take a few days off from my digital art now and perhaps focus on blogging. Or possibly cleaning the kitchen! I still have some unwashed dishes after Christmas dinner. I really wish sometimes that I could find balance in life more easily. Yes, doing art based on patterns is great, but possibly I don’t need to spend 11h a day on it? Perhaps this dedication was what allowed me to make a quick progress, but now it feels like I can’t do it any more. I tried today and it was really strange: I was using the same tools than every day but couldn’t get anywhere. I guess the part of brain that works out patterns needs a break but I always believed that progress should be steady and if it’s not, that means one has no talent.

As I stated before the purpose of my blog is to record how I feel and think as an autistic person, so I occasionally allow myself a bit of rambling. But I guess that’s enough for now.