I remember when I just started primary school, so I was 5 and a half, we were told to draw an autumn outdoor scene and suddenly I decided to add an unidentified object in the middle of my drawing: it was shaped like an egg, but it wasn’t meant to be an egg. It wasn’t meant to be anything really. I divided it into several squares and fill each of them with a different colour. If you could only see other kids laughing when they saw it! I never drew anything similar again.

I know now that I probably didn’t want to draw autumn scene, I wanted to draw a pattern – and I was made fun of because of it. Throughout the years my love of patterns couldn’t manifest in any way – I was feeling guilty for spending money on cushions while what I really wanted was the patterns on them. A bit less than a year ago, while still in lockdown and without access to entertainment I discovered Redecor and was so thrilled with the fact that I can play with patterns without having the need to purchase physical objects that I quickly started spending real money on the game (virtual cushion is obviously much cheaper than a real one so no need to feel guilty here). I was not doing anything unwise, I was working full time and could easily afford it, yet, when I told a couple of people, they seemed to have real problem with it. One lady on Facebook group told me the money I spent could easily feed family of 3 for this many weeks. Well… I was wondering why other people have so much problem with how I spend money – if I spend it on staying in expensive hotel for one night, no one would question it, the same if I spend it on cigarettes or alcohol.

It felt like I’m constantly being told something is wrong with me because I love patterns. If I loved music, that would be understood much better, but loving patterns was wrong.

The last couple of days I became so obsessed with creating patterns out of my Redecor designs that I started feeling I may be on the edge of psychosis. I should be fine though as long as I can sleep during the night.

And what’s happening in my life apart from that’s? I spent two last days working in a supermarket. It was ok, busy but I was managing. I didn’t even find it too noisy. But I already managed to establish I wouldn’t be able to work in a supermarket long term, but this is a subject for another post.