I posted a few times about how I understand symbols and how they help me identify my emotions. I actually regret now that I didn’t give that topic a separate tag – they are all under communication tag. I may go back to those posts and rectify that but it won’t be today.

Just to make it clear, I never read anywhere about how autistics understand symbols, I guess there was no research on that, especially on how we can use symbols to identity our emotions, I bet no one would come up with that and even if someone would, it would be difficult to execute. Therefore I write about myself here but I assume the same applies to other autistic people.

So, there was this Redecor design released recently, a large bed with canopy that reminded me of excess fabric used in Catholic Church for various occasions and the pillow in the middle of the bed looked like somebody’s head. I mean, who puts pillow in the middle of the bed? Even I don’t, there are two pillows on the right and two on the left. There can be small, decorative pillow in the middle, but this one looked like standard pillow, therefore, together with the duvet it reminded me of someone laying down there, someone who doesn’t have much life left as the pillow was rather flat.

I want to emphasize here that when I saw this design I didn’t do all this complicated thinking consciously, I just felt that the pillow looks like someone who’s at the end of their life and I only explain now to the readers how my judgment got me to make this connection. I hope that is quite clear.

At first I was put off by that and didn’t want to do this design but then I decided to do it in a way that would emphasize my emotions and I’m quite glad with the result. Gentle florals and sky (sky and heaven are the same word in Polish, ‘niebo’) belong to the new world, this one where my mum is going to; while the check on the bottom pillows and sheet is a heavy pattern so it stays in here, on earth. I hope you can follow my understanding of patterns.

Doing this design helped me to process my emotions and accept the situation I am in: Yes, my mum is at the end of her life, but she’s going to heaven, so it’s a good thing. I can’t keep here here, with me, forever. She needs to go when she’s ready, she’ll be much happier there, surrounded by clouds and flowers, looking out at me from above. It will be much better for everyone involved.

I hope the above explanation makes some sense to you. If it doesn’t, that’s ok, but please remember I’m autistic and I possibly think in a different way to you. The fact that you can’t follow my thought process doesn’t mean that I’m weird.